When couples want to improve their relationships, the concept of communication along with fair fighting gets dusted off and revisited.
If that fails to create the desired results, we are then told to take on the other’s view point; walk a mile or two in someone else’s loafers.
While these things may get the party started they don’t sustain and they are only part of the equation.
We often get communication very confused.
When someone says that another person doesn’t communicate, it usually means a person is not responding a particular way or an expectation has gone unmet.
Behavior is communication.
When whining, coercion, bullying and ultimatum giving cease to work, we throw our hands to the heavens and angrily start creating an exit strategy.
What if the reasons we move our relationship forward have nothing to do with all of the Cosmo tips, eye contact, seeking to understand before being understood and a host of other tips that only sell magazines but provide no hope or lasting solutions.
What if keeping your primary intimate relationship has nothing to do with new sexual positions, roses, candlelight or romantic music.
The solution to boredom and deepening relationships is trust and without accountability there is no trust.
We all make agreements in every relationship.
When we want to create better relationships, we must make better agreements.
Nothing improves the communication and intimacy, trust and accountability like facing a challenge together and becoming victorious in the process.
I refer to this concept as a shared victory.
Shared victory is the systematic and unrelenting pursuit of a goal that all involved parties find exciting and worthwhile.
My life partner and I are very different people.
Race, age, upbringing, and education have greatly influenced how we see things, problem solve and make decisions.
While we have yet to face a challenge that can’t be handled and won over, I know that life and the universe will periodically give you a swift kick in the groceries just so you know you’re alive and should stay awake.
We have made decisions regarding money, housing and how to make sure that the other is taken care of when the time comes for one of us to kick the bucket.
We have had and continue to create and implement plans that allow for “shared victories”. This is the key to having a highly sensual and powerful relationship.
When trouble or conflict come knocking, we collectively gather our strengths and turn towards each other with a heartfelt: What are we gonna do ?
The wise partnership will allow each party to handle what they do best.
In John Maxwell’s How Successful People Think, he points out that most people are either strategic or intuitive.
My husband is strategic.
Many times planning something as much as three to four weeks out.
I am intuitive.
I work towards things with the end in mind but am very flexible on how I get there.
Recently, we both started wearing glasses and for very different reasons.
I cannot see far away and he cannot see things close up.
We have a system that works.
I write out the checks and he drives.
Shared Victories are also very sexy because according to Esther Perel in Mating in Captivity, we are often the most turned on when we see the sight of our beloved doing what they do best and are born to do with passion.
Ditch the Viagra,sexy outfits and role play and find something (a common goal) that excites you both and go after it like a couple of beasts.
Trust me it will be far more rewarding than sitting around date night discussing the shit you could discuss at home without wasting gas or looking for a parking spot.