Changing Our Hearts Part 2

By | September 15, 2014

My mother used to manipulate and mock me with taps on the lips admonishing me that : I must learn to listen.

I always found this humiliating and could never quite put together why I should listen to anybody who was inconsistent with their information sharing or in some cases flat out lied and changed facts, stories at will.

Why listen if the story will get rewritten without my knowledge or consent and then shoved in my face later as fact.

One of the most disturbing and predictable ways fear infiltrates our beings is through sullied hearing.

Despite what most relationship and business gurus proclaim, most people don’t listen for understanding which could build enormous empathy.

Most folks listen for lies, inconsistencies and any opportunity to poke holes in a persons’ theories.

If I am planning a snappy retort or simply waiting for you to shut your pie hole so I can jump in with a solution, I am not really listening.

I’m in my head figuring out how to make you wrong and myself right.

It’s odd that we listen whole heartedly and with much attention when we meet someone new.

Whether our interest is romantically based or platonic, the “new” demands and gets our attention.

Once routines take the place of genuine sharing and building, we often decide that true listening is no longer required.

We no longer listen to deepen or enrich our experience of one another.

To truly listen, we must accept the fact that a) I might be wrong about something, b) it’s okay to be wrong, c) it might be scary and uncomfortable to not go into problem solving mode to ease our own discomfort, d) if the relationship is really important we must accept the aforementioned happening and show up to really listen anyway.

When we invite heart listening, it is a supremely unfamiliar and satisfying experience.

During the last decade, I have witnessed people carrying on at least two conversations at once and not really hearing either of them.

Many of my female colleagues and coworkers love to point out that men are not great at multitasking and that we don’t listen.

Heart to heart listening involves giving the person your listening to undivided focus and attention.

I can always tell when I am fiercely engaged as a listener.

When whole heartedly engaged, I will be moved by something.

Something will be heard that will require me to change or alter my mood or thinking.

Another tired trick that myself and many educators use is the standard and always productive: tell me what I just said. Anybody can parrot back what they just heard and this is also a kinder, gentler version of not listening.

Be willing to be scared, wrong, judgmental or just plain stupid in an effort to do this listening thing differently.

You might pick up some new ways of thinking or gain a better, richer understanding of a person you’ve known for years.

Anybody I know who listens in an effort to deepen connection always fairs better than the one listening for the sole purpose of being right.

Being right is fun. Is it worth it ?

Being right means somebody has got to be wrong.

What’s most important to you, being heard or being right at all costs ?

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