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The #1 Reason Men Struggle with Relationships (And What to Do About It)

Men lie.

We live in a culture that encourages lies and shame.

Men are rarely supported in speaking their truth.

We are supported in giving up what makes us vulnerable, real and ultimately human.

Male gender assignments start early thereby limiting and infringing on our ability to become better men and human beings.

Primarily, we learn to lie often and always about our feelings.

Many of us are not taught that having and worse yet sharing our feelings is a big fat no no and should be avoided no matter the consequence. Men not being able to cry no matter the consequences is not just a stereotype or punchline to a bad joke.

I know several men who have witnessed the burial of parents and beloved siblings who refused to give in to the grief that would be a natural and healthy emotional expression.

I know several men who have such an inordinate amount of emotional pain inside of them that I am awestruck by their ability to function on any level.

Men who are not allowed access to a full emotional expression do not make for great companions nor are they able to be great resources for themselves in terms of liberatory and radical self love.

If a person is not allowed to feel they will not allow themselves to fully love another nor allow another to fully love them.

Part of sharing feelings also involves creating tools that will allow us to express the "good"ones as well.

The ability to experience powerful and loving feelings is something we often struggle to incorporate.

In bell hooks' wonderful, We Real Cool, the concept of coolness is addressed and deconstructed as necessary and problematic.

Men,particularly men of color, get introduced to the culture of cool via the men in our lives whose only emotional expression is one of anger and cool.

Coolness was the chosen mode of being and the indicator of all future success.

I was often reminded of my inability to be "cool" and not exhibit an emotional response regardless of the circumstances.

Whether I did a jaunty dance step because I made the honor roll or physically showed my disapproval of an injustice or the cancellation of my favorite show, the message given to me was clear.

You are not cool.

Uncool men will not make it in this society.

At 45, I have style but still lack cool.

I am ok with this.

We often inflate our talents, abilities and personal accomplishments and downplay our lack or inability to "make something or crate a certain result". I have had several failures in my life.

As an American Male, I am coerced into keeping my failures to myself. Male culture does not allow or encourage reflection and honest self and emotional assessment.

We are "supposed" to know what to do and have all the answers all the time.

Dealing with and accepting disappointments is another trap that confuses and seduces us.

bell hooks states that men can be seduced by power because it offers long term and ongoing rewards.

This is another lie that men get pitched that it is easy and simple to partake of the power structure (patriarchy).

Patriarchy's cost is never examined:men lose so much.

Men are not taught that emotional needs are important so when an opportunity (participation in patriarchy) is presented that requires that they give up more of their souls (lying), it doesn't feel odd.

Men who are disappointed sexually are never shown or resist ways that would increase their enjoyment of sex and lead to greater overall emotional satisfaction.

When young boys and then men are told to "man up ", it leaves them angry and confused with no outlet to address their pain.

Male culture is steeped in grief.

Many men can only address grief when they are drunk or high.

Men need tools that allow us to sit in and work through our pain.

It is time to stop lying and pretending that things don't hurt.


How to Handle the Middle Aged Hoax

My favorite and most valued gift by the aging process is a great big case of the "Fuck Its".

At 15, 20 and even into my thirties there was a great deal of energy put into what people thought of me and adjusting my life and thinking to accommodate the ubiquitous "them".

While everyone commented on how "nice" (the original definition of this word was "dumb") and pleasant I was, there was much upset and resentment waiting to be(unleashed). Creating a false persona allowed me to keep the secret (my being gay)hidden.

Being nice and not a problem, I could live and exist happily undetected.

This thinking kept me trapped in awful relationships and heinous partnerships.

People love it when you are eager to accommodate, cosign bullshit and engage in all manner of tom foolery. When I began fighting my way out of Mr. Nice Gay mode, folks looked at me with disbelief and many feigned shock.

When a person in a relationship makes a drastic change, all parties are affected, have reactions and feelings and ultimately must make some adjustment.

Nobody wants to adjust if their needs are constantly being met.

The ability to not give a fuck is a great section of the aging process.

When I say not giving a shit, it doesn't mean being an asshole which is a role people will attempt to assign you. The not-giving- a- shit means: I will not twist myself into a pretzel in an effort to get folks to like or accept me. It also means I will not hand over my thinking , self esteem or self validation to another and hope they come up with something grand.

Whenever I've handed over the reins of my life to someone, I have never been happy with the results.

When I've co-directed an initiative, my joy increased as a result of consistent and deliberate actions. As we age, there is less tolerance for foolishness and shenanigans with people that have no grand vision for their lives and whose concern in life is getting by with the least amount of intellectual or spiritual effort.

As I've aged, I have constantly and shamelessly asked myself : Is this activity something I want to engage in or invest my energy into ?

Is this the best use of my time?

Part of the aging process deals with the comfortability and brilliance that occurs when we make a decision to be bold.

You can't be bold if your primary concern is hurting someone's feelings or what they will think of you. There is really nothing better than making choices from a well thought out and guiltless position.

Aging has forced me to spend a whole lot less time being concerned with the opinions of others and most importantly, how I look to them.

Letting go of the crazed production that is "image" is also wonderful.

If I'm tired, I rest.

If I'm pissed off, hurt or confused, I can choose how I will address these issues with my husband, friends and coworkers. Sometimes a great big box of "shut the hell up" is required.

At other times, it is important to speak out and up and opt for deliberate and swift action.

My younger self had the need to constantly and psychotically remain busy at all costs.

Brene Brown says this is the new addiction: Staying busy so that we don't have to deal with the realities/truth of our lives.

I encourage all of you to embrace growing older.

Those of us who are most affected by this need to be "nice" (gays, women and minorities) should purposely and gladly welcome the attitude and power that comes from aging, being clear and the natural outcome that this provides.

If we have spent lives of dire desperation, anxiously awaiting for someone to give us permission to dream and accomplish heart passions, then the aging process can look pretty crappy.

There is nothing to dread or lament if we have lived lives of meaning and exploration that have allowed thinking, spirituality and self knowledge to grow.


Ain’t I A Man: Being Black and Gay in a World that Honors Neither

About a week ago, an acquaintance invited me to a party with this preface: It's just for women and we will have a male stripper but you can come since your gay".

I politely and shockingly declined.

It was clear to me that this person like many others is confused about a definition of maleness that does not include sex with women.

We are being seduced into thinking that as a result of constant assault by social media and images, we have moved beyond thinking that is homophobic, racist and just plain dumb.

Patriarchy and all of its resident offshoots and tools of oppression lull us into not thinking which often leads us into not acting.

In a culture where every and any image or desire is just a click away, it is hard to critically engage people because of the assumption that everyone has "made it".

Most people design their lives to ensure that none of their decisions are questioned or challenged.

bell hooks constantly reminds us that in American Culture, we are taught/trained to see in parts.

Our devotion to myopic and inappropriate ways of seeing black gay men is disturbing.

Many folks get mad when you can claim more than one identity.

As a result of most people's intellectual laziness, the message gets sent: stay in your lane and let me define you.

This is a problem when trying to make friendships and relationships work across boundaries.

Boundary crossing has become very chic.

Changing our thinking or allowing ourselves to be fundamentally changed as a direct result of crossing boundaries is not chic.

While there are many folks who are seduced and cajoled into worshiping the black male body, there are few who can do so without moving into fetishizing, making it(black male body) sexual and having the desire to control and contain it.

My banker, who is Persian, refers to himself as Mike.

When I attempted to pronounce the birth name given to him by his parents, we began to discuss the decision to refer to himself as Mike.

It was explained to me that as a huge Michael Jordan fan he was teased as a young boy and this was a way to have both protection (by taking on another identity) and idol worship.

When we are not "seen" and revered and honored for being men all sorts of weird problems arise.

My sweet six year old grandson, much like my sweet sixteen year old Nephew are beginning to feel the pangs and undeserved scrutiny that gets handed to all black males simply because of their skin color.

These gentle souls began being referred to as a problem almost from birth.

Between the cultures fear, demonization and lust for black male bodies, there is little space to create healthy and self esteem increasing interactions and patterns.

I am often saddened and sometimes weep when I witness the change in our young boys that have nothing to do with who they are but seem required if they want to survive.

When I here the nonsense of racism regarding scary black men and then get immediately assured that I am not one of "them", I often wonder when is my time coming ?

I wonder about not being one of "them" when my opinion is solicited and then dismissed.

As black men it is assumed that our thinking is muddled, insignificant or flawed at worse and limited and shallow at best.

We are not expected or encouraged to think about anything too deeply.

Keeping things "light" prevents the possibility of mayhem. Truly understanding and challenging the forces that seek to deny our humanity and limit our self actualization would require a radical reworking of the social order.

This is not a problem and doesn't scare me nor should it frighten any thinking, rational, effectively decolonized person.

A bit of anger and upset or outrage over a system that fucks you over and has designated you as the target would actually be something wonderful.

Designating men who are black and happen to be gay as sub men is convenient.

In many ways, it allows for us(those of us obsessed with safety) to feel safe .

It also places the desire and impetus to change on the shoulders of those whose identity we can not be bothered with seriously "seeing".

bell hooks in quoting Sojourna Truth(who bore her breasts to prove she was indeed female) reminds that to revere, honor and respect the black male body is to hold it to the same other worldly status of that as white females.

When people comment that my gayness allows me a pass to all women spaces(I firmly believe that there needs to be all women spaces as well as all men spaces), I cringe at the insensitivity, thoughtlessness and collusion with dominator culture this supports.

It is no different when my blackness is negotiated or given an ok by folks who feel that one less dark person will harm them even as they seek to emulate my stance in the world and how I navigate things.

However, the most troubling part of this ordeal is resisting the perceived rewards that are offered.

There is the belief and some truth to the concept that when you “stay in your lane”and play the good darky or faggot, you will somehow escape persecution. And if you’re really “good,” you might actually be invited into mainstream, racist-free and heterosexist communities.

About a year ago, I reviewed a wonderful book about kinky relationships (Partners in Power). This book was eye-opening for me in that it highlighted the extent of all relationships.

The negotiation of power occurs in all human interaction. Sometimes it’s shared. Sometimes the amount granted and distributed is silently agreed upon. When someone assigns you a role based on a limited and privileged viewpoint, this can cause serious problems.

In my review, I stated the following:

Partners in Power is a critical examination of what is required to be a part of a community that is still ill-represented, misunderstood, and in no way viewed as an organism that has figured out how to sustain itself by consistently adapting itself to new “players” who are interested in experimenting, testing all types of personal limits, and being honest about the results that get discovered once the nuts are empty.

Relationships based in play and trust can allow for all sorts of mistakes and negotiations. Assumptions designed to make the assumer feel okay with another’s form of love and sexual expression limit honesty and prevent full psychological visibility.

A better approach might include silence and/or giving up the belief that one’s identity is given validity once it has been heterosexually sanctioned.

Black, gay, and recently married are just a few of my identities.

Identities are constantly changing and are largely self-created.

Allies who insist we live fully understand, respect, and encourage this belief.


21 Ways for Black Males to become Mentally Healthy (audio interview)

When I began writing Unfettered Mind: The Importance of Black Male Mental Health, I was unaware of the need for mental health tools and the denial by many that this was not an issue that needed to be addressed. HIV, unemployment, cripplingly low self esteem and a host of other issues menace black men in very particular and unrelenting ways.

This short interview encourages us to have a "new look" at things and offers strategies for increasing self esteem, self love and self acceptance. My goal in writing these essays is to bring focus and awareness to the root causes(radical examination and upheaval) of our suffering and offer suggestions to eliminate it. Feel free to let me know what you think.


Three Things that keep you from “really ” living

"To be fearless no matter what happens-that is the root of true happiness. To move forward resolutely regardless of what lies in store-that is the spirit of, the resolve that leads to human victory. But if we allow ourselves to be disturbed by petty criticism and slander, or we fear pressure and persecution, we will never advance or create anything of lasting value. " Daisaku Ikeda

Recently, someone asked me what keeps me stuck.

I was asked what keeps me from really living. After some thought , I realized it was three very powerful and simple entities. Disappointment, confusing love with care and not feeling worthy to dream and imagine my life. Six years ago I wrote a play,"Knucklebone", that dealt with how I learned to handle and negotiate my life when things failed to go my way.

During the course of creating this work, I realized that I had my share of disappointment and upset and had chosen to not let these things stop me.

In some fashion, I figured out ways to acknowledge the hurt and pain and then move beyond it. Maybe this was a gift. Something I was born with that would allow me to survive incredible bouts of disappointment. After sharing this work with others and listening to their tales of "woe", I learned something vey important. I was not that different from other people. In fact, hurt and anger over things not working out were very common occurences.

Most people at some point or another have had to deal with planning on one outcome and then adjusting to another when it takes place.

So back to the original point, what keeps me stuck ? I typically go for the things that I want in life. There have been times that I now look back on and know : I didn't go for it. These are not seen as failures or looming regrets. Instead, they are viewed as times when I didn't truly "live". I opted to allow past disappointments to determine present reality but also decided what action I would or would not take regarding my dreams and desires.

At seventeen, I wanted to move to NYC and go to Columbia.

With great grades, stellar references and a ton of extra curricular activities on my record, there was absolutely no reason to not apply and expect a quick admission. My mothers' unrelenting retort : "whose gonna pay for that ?" effectively shut me down and my capacity to have a life in NYC . Realistically, we could have determined that I could attend this institution and then plotted and schemed like banshees to make it happen.

It never happened. I was sorely disappointed and still carry that one regret some twenty five years later.

The problem is not that I didn't go to Columbia or finish at the fine prep school where I started my high school career. In fact, it was not even the many failed romantic relationships that I managed to pick up along the way . The core issue is how I dealt wtih them both in real time, as in the present ,and how I chose to handle them emotionally. Did I allow these desires for greatness (which never occured) to slow me down, make me feel : who gives a shit ? "I didn't want that all that much anyway".

How about that last statement ? Not allowing ourselves to "want" keeps us from being disappointed.

If I never really want anything then I don't have to seriously try and risk things not working out. I get to be safe. When I speak of want, I am not referring to a state of greed and a serious case of the "gimmies". We are not petulant children cajoling our parents into giving us what we want- when we want it .

Instead, a healthy set of wants is good.

Disappointment can either put us into a state of bone-crushing want or unmitigated entitlement.


Can Gay Men be Friends ?

Growing up and coming out, I constantly heard very interesting messages regarding friendships between men and women.

The message was loud and clear and annoying: they don’t work. I thought this was interesting and often wondered why people would make such assumptions. Then of course, I grew up and started dating men and to some degree began to believe and conduct myself based on this odd and accepted view of men and their “nature”.

Like our straight counterparts, gay men are seen as always horny , on the prowl and commitment adverse.

While this may or may or may not be the truth when it is used as both a point of reference and a place to build a relationship from, it can have inane and very limiting results.

Yes, gay men can be highly sexual creatures.


An Affair to Treasure

Potato salad flowed. Greens were served and fried chicken got piled high.

I recently spent the most glorious evening with a wonderful group of gay men. If you have never spent a good chunk of your evening in the company of adult men you have not lived.

I had forgotten the joy that comes from men being together who truly respect and love one another.

The sounds of our voices.


Why Black and White Relationships should matter to everyone

I'm a basic mutt Euro-American male.

I was adopted and raised from infancy in a very loving, inter-cultural family (a European/African-American household in 1970's surburban Los Angeles). As such, loving, supportive and long-lasting interracial relationships are all I have ever really known and seen exemplified in my life.

I have always remained pretty much quiet or generally passive on this very sensitive issue. Fear of carelessly verbalizing my anger or harsh opinions and causing pain to someone forced me into silence.

I have admittedly chosen to surround myself with mostly similar, like-minded and loving beautiful people of all colors.

Whether surrounding myself with such like-minded people was done either consciously or unconsciously really isn't important. I have always found comfort within the warm inclusion of my own people , be it "Zebras" or Swirl Girls or whatever unflattering slangs the cold and equally indifferent outside gay or straight world decides to label me/us.

Within my own national gay, multi-cultural support organization, I find the needed support, unconditional love and understanding that I do not find in the larger gay community as a whole.

I often need to seek quiet refuge with those like me. When an oppressive environment of indifference, hate, unacceptance, social or political injustice or ridicule targets my partner and I, we cling to our supportive allies and one another. As an adult, I refuse to give attention to petty ignorance.

But if I were younger, I would probably accuse myself of cowardice by not confronting such clear demonstrations of ignorance head on.

Would I be who I am today had I been brought up in a same race or same culture household ?


Unfettered Mind..The importance of black male mental health

“Are you sure you wanna be well sweetheart? A lot of weight when you’re well”.

The Salt Eaters

The first time I had peach yogurt, I was visiting a friend in a mental institution.


Moving beyond Fetish… The opportunities for growth and joy via black and white gay male relationships

I have spent half of my dating life with white men.

As far as I can see, there is a great deal of confusion and mayhem regarding how these seemingly divergent groups get along, partner up and develop loving, committed non exploitative relationships.

What is this thing we call attraction ? Is it learned ? Can it be redeveloped?


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