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9Jul/170

The # 1 Cause of Drama (Broken Agreements) And What to Do About It

All issues, drama, chaos and confusion can be traced back to the same source. A broken agreement.

Somebody didn't hold up their end of an agreement and decided to go in another direction.

Most of us make agreements all day with all sorts of people.

Many of these agreements are not verbalized.

They remain silent, hidden, agreed upon with no discussion regarding what it is we are both needing in this situation and what it will require from both of us.

We all prefer mind reading, hints and suggestions, and my personal favorite: passive aggressive behavior.

While none of these things work long term they do provide endless hours of entertainment and create predictable and unsatisfying results.

Why focus on some forward movement when we can whine and moan about what somebody else in not doing?

So what does an agreed upon course of action look like?

For starters we get very clear about what we're agreeing to do and what we will not participate in despite the consequences.

For many years, I agreed to be the broke, whacky, fucked up artist because it allowed me a space in my family and an opportunity to claim an identity.

Years later I met my wonderful husband who asked: Why would you choose to live like this?

With that one question my life was transformed.

My identity then became one of financial solvency, savings accounts, artistic expression (beyond the desperation that goes with being "discovered" and "picked") and home ownership.

I switched the agreement with my family of origin and folks still ain't happy.

I switched our decades long agreement without discussion with or consent from them (family).

I'm not sure if people don't want you to change or feel threatened because now the agreement (in most cases to play small) is threatened.

Folks get their dander up when you switch up the game.

I've been agreeing to all sorts of tomfoolery at my job with my young people that is based in fear and with no input from me (silent agreements).

I will come in swinging with a simple, effective, agreed upon set of rules and they will get on board or move along.

I plan to push, demand and orchestrate a very different type of agreement between myself and my students. Our previous agreement was based on me surviving the homophobic environment that limits my ability to share intimacies and personal anecdotes (my strong suit that provided great teacher -student relationships).

For one, I allowed myself to shrink and be less than my brilliant self.

No one should ever allow themselves to be reduced.

As I begin to show up and be less dependent on being "safe" (which means being unseen), I change our silent and highly dysfunctional interaction.

I must keep in mind that folks prefer fucked up and familiar as opposed to new, exciting and uncertain.

Whenever we change our agreed upon dealings, there is a major upset and some immediate and unforseen push back. It shows up in all sorts of interesting ways and has only one function- stop change and prevent new agreements/arrangements.

What most of us perceive as drama is honesty showing itself as anger, disappointment and a refusal to see things from another's viewpoint.

Most of the time when things are not going as planned (our way), the immediate response is to find the cause and assign blame.

Finding blame (a highly effective tool for preventing any serious dialogue or change) is always a way to find fault with another and make sure nothing changes.

Here is the drama portion- one person wants change and the other is getting all their needs met or at least enough of them to adamantly resist change in any form. Hence, drama.

Or better yet, one party changes the arrangement without notifying the involved parties and much discussion never occurs about the changes.

While this might provide chuckle worthy material for sitcoms and movies, it wrecks havoc on real relationships no mater what our true intent.

Here are a few suggestions to prevent this type of foolishness in everyday life.

Ask- what are we trying to do and what did you agree to do? Fell free to share the same information with your conversation mate.

Tell the Truth- How many times have we rehearsed the truth in our minds and offered something else when given the chance.

Get super clear on the vision of the type of relationship you are trying to create.

9Apr/171

The #1 Reason Men Struggle with Relationships (And What to Do About It)

Men lie.

We live in a culture that encourages lies and shame.

Men are rarely supported in speaking their truth.

We are supported in giving up what makes us vulnerable, real and ultimately human.

Male gender assignments start early thereby limiting and infringing on our ability to become better men and human beings.

Primarily, we learn to lie often and always about our feelings.

Many of us are not taught that having and worse yet sharing our feelings is a big fat no no and should be avoided no matter the consequence. Men not being able to cry no matter the consequences is not just a stereotype or punchline to a bad joke.

I know several men who have witnessed the burial of parents and beloved siblings who refused to give in to the grief that would be a natural and healthy emotional expression.

I know several men who have such an inordinate amount of emotional pain inside of them that I am awestruck by their ability to function on any level.

Men who are not allowed access to a full emotional expression do not make for great companions nor are they able to be great resources for themselves in terms of liberatory and radical self love.

If a person is not allowed to feel they will not allow themselves to fully love another nor allow another to fully love them.

Part of sharing feelings also involves creating tools that will allow us to express the "good"ones as well.

The ability to experience powerful and loving feelings is something we often struggle to incorporate.

In bell hooks' wonderful, We Real Cool, the concept of coolness is addressed and deconstructed as necessary and problematic.

Men,particularly men of color, get introduced to the culture of cool via the men in our lives whose only emotional expression is one of anger and cool.

Coolness was the chosen mode of being and the indicator of all future success.

I was often reminded of my inability to be "cool" and not exhibit an emotional response regardless of the circumstances.

Whether I did a jaunty dance step because I made the honor roll or physically showed my disapproval of an injustice or the cancellation of my favorite show, the message given to me was clear.

You are not cool.

Uncool men will not make it in this society.

At 45, I have style but still lack cool.

I am ok with this.

We often inflate our talents, abilities and personal accomplishments and downplay our lack or inability to "make something or crate a certain result". I have had several failures in my life.

As an American Male, I am coerced into keeping my failures to myself. Male culture does not allow or encourage reflection and honest self and emotional assessment.

We are "supposed" to know what to do and have all the answers all the time.

Dealing with and accepting disappointments is another trap that confuses and seduces us.

bell hooks states that men can be seduced by power because it offers long term and ongoing rewards.

This is another lie that men get pitched that it is easy and simple to partake of the power structure (patriarchy).

Patriarchy's cost is never examined:men lose so much.

Men are not taught that emotional needs are important so when an opportunity (participation in patriarchy) is presented that requires that they give up more of their souls (lying), it doesn't feel odd.

Men who are disappointed sexually are never shown or resist ways that would increase their enjoyment of sex and lead to greater overall emotional satisfaction.

When young boys and then men are told to "man up ", it leaves them angry and confused with no outlet to address their pain.

Male culture is steeped in grief.

Many men can only address grief when they are drunk or high.

Men need tools that allow us to sit in and work through our pain.

It is time to stop lying and pretending that things don't hurt.

23Nov/110

How Cialis can solve the HIV crisis

CIALIS doesn't protect a man or his partner from sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV, and does not serve as a male form of birth control.

Shame on Cialis and its creator.

Mr. Cialis you are definitely missing out on a true goldmine.

With all of the massive increases in HIV infections and the hyper sexuality of gay men and men who sleep with men, you could be making a killing. Gay men, who have been socialized to meet every possible need in a sexual manner, are prime for anything that ensures constant and incredible screwing is always on the menu.

If you start to seriously advertise in places that cater to men who have an unrelenting and insatiable need for sex, you would be able to retire within six months. By focusing on what we do not who we are and what we think, there is an unlimited amount of money to be made.

Start in sex clubs and cruising spots.

These boys enjoy a good romp and look for anything that can literally keep the party going. In fact, I have some serious insight as to how you can both quadruple your financial bottom line and look most saintly in the eyes of HIV/AIDS activists the world over.

Thanks to the miracles of modern medicine, we now have the means to make sure that eighty-year-olds can have a roll in the hay whenever they see fit.

Does it matter that we could solve cancer or HIV ? Clearly a better use of our time is spent making sure we can have sex not worrying about whether or not it could cost us our lives.

Cialis, you could lead the fight in trumping HIV and making it something that is a small footnote in the history of humanity.

It is really quite simple. Offer unlimited amounts of your wonder drug to young men while simultaneously offering free testing for the HIV virus and then create a cure for the virus.

Don't tell me that you have created not one but two types of pills to assist men in dealing with ED and you don't have the manpower or resource to develop a cure for HIV.

Start small.

Develop a pill that you can take either daily or within 36 hours of sexual activity that would kill the virus on contact. Then when you (Mr. Cialis) get beyond filthy rich , make an announcement that says you will now cure anyone who has been infected within the last thirty years.

Don't you see, you will get paid no matter what decisions get made. This is the only way to go. Who better to peddle a drug to (that allows you to "keep that pecker up" ) than a bunch of sex-crazed individuals.

It sounds like a perfect match in my opinion.

We get to have unlimited sexual encounters without any serious consequences like death, isolation, poverty and they ( the brillinat progressive individuals that created Cialis) get to make money off a group of confused and oppressed individuals.

Get in on this Cialis. Maybe your homophobic. Don't let this stop you.

It never stops any one else.

13Jun/114

Moving beyond Fetish… The opportunities for growth and joy via black and white gay male relationships

I have spent half of my dating life with white men.

As far as I can see, there is a great deal of confusion and mayhem regarding how these seemingly divergent groups get along, partner up and develop loving, committed non exploitative relationships.

What is this thing we call attraction ? Is it learned ? Can it be redeveloped?

1Apr/111

Does Hyper Sexuality Start at Five?

When baby animals don't get touched they die.

If this is the case for lesser developed creatures, why do we think humans can survive without touch?

1Feb/110

Should Cruising Be Considered an Unacceptable Risk?

I was 36 the first time I had sex in public.

I had no idea this was an option. I kept hearing Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong in my head, "How long has this been going on". I truly thought people went to the park to read, the restrooms to pee and the malls to shop.

   
 

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