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How Gay and Straight Men Can Learn from Each Other and Build Great Relationships

I have spent far too much time treating my straight male friends like shit.

When it comes to friendships with straight male counterparts, my assumptions are quick, limiting and in many cases wrong.

This is a problem when I fight for and demand that we as men think and behave differently and when personally offered a chance to act differently, I refuse.

The men I have been fortunate enough to know are usually very excited when the topic of hot women comes up. There are the usual names bandied about despite race: (Halle Berry, Beyonce, Jennifer Lopez, Janet Jackson, Jennifer Aniston) if the men I'm speaking with are straight.

Idris Elba, Hugh Jackman, Taye Diggs if the men are gay.

My straight male friends know on a very real and legitimate level that they will never meet Halle Berry so hitting the sheets with her will never under any circumstances occur.

Once this realization occurs, my clear thinking and logical SMF (Straight Male Friends) decide to love and partner with someone more attainable and committed to building something substantial.

My SMF understand the difference between an image on tv (even though they might still desire said image) and that day to day existence is not something that will always be shiny and as glowing as the images they've been schooled to lust after.

Unfortunately, most gay men have very little intimate, non-exploitative contact with straight males who have done the work necessary to connect with gay men which could lead to insight regarding the blending of fantasy and reality.

We (straight and gay men) are taught that we are enemies and have nothing to learn from or contribute to each other's lives.

The most radical thing any of us can do is tell the truth, demand it form our loved ones and make it essential to the relationships we create.

Over the years, I have chosen to befriend straight men then point out the things the ways that they behave as typical, stupid and childish.

I have no struggle in letting my gay male comrades that I love them deeply. I have no issues with sharing my intimate and passionate devotion to my female pals.

When it comes to my SMF , I not only struggle with the emotional honesty and closeness I bestow on others: I adamantly withhold it.

Like most power struggles, this is a place wherein I feel the need to belittle (periodically) to mark clear boundaries regarding whose "in charge".

My fear is that given any slack in my vigilance, I will be misunderstood, taken advantage of and teased.

Surviving these things would not be impossible.

Thriving amidst them would mean work and a commitment to vulnerability.

I could make the decision to only be around gay men and strictly limit my thinking to the patterns and pathologies of our always interesting and often misguided subculture.

My decision is one that does not eliminate certain segments of the population because certain privileges have been bestowed which prevent a certain type of insight and thinking.

This begins now and must continue despite the fear and uneasiness it engenders.


10 Warriors Who Gave Their Lives for Justice

I probably shouldn't tell you this... Today is the 30th post and the end of my focus for now on black men, police brutality and the fight for justice that will continue albeit in another form. For now, I want to leave you with a list of ten brave soldiers who lost their lives in the battle to create change.

Jimmie Lee Jackson
Clyde Kennard
Juliette Hampton Morgan
Reverend James Reeb
Jonathan Myrick Daniels
Viola Gregg Liuzzo
Vernon Dahmer
Oneal Moore
Reverend George Lee
Harry and Harriett Moore

Keep Fighting. Winning over Injustices. Demanding Change.

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Warning! The Boogey Man is Real and Dangerous

When you have invested your heart into something working out a certain way, there is always the possibility that things will not work out or worse yet they will change without your knowledge or consent.

This type of fear is rational and should not cause us to behave in ways that are less than sparkling.

People get very confused when it comes to fear and what needs to be done when we are blindsided by it.

Most of us stop thinking and revert to reptilian responses that include but are not limited to : running away, avoiding the thing that has scared us, making another person wrong (assigning blame), bulldozing over people or in the most extreme cases, immobilizing ourselves (hoping that in freeze mode know one will see us or expect any action).

There are as many ways to deal with fear as there are people in the world.

What if we encouraged people to be afraid and plow into what scares them the most ?

What if we raised our children with this balls-out approach to dealing with what they feel menaces them the most ?

We could have a very different world.

Persons who move from this way of being live very full lives. I am striving to be one of those people.

It is my goal to find what scares me and take it to the mat. Fear is an indicator that change is inevitable and typically forthcoming.

Sometimes when I am feeling bored (which is rare) , I know instinctively that I am not challenging myself. When I am in resistance to taking action, it is usually regarding the fear that I could fail, screw some shit up.

Once I determine the fear is that a) I don't know what I'm doing and b) I might fail, my next step is usually to metaphorically leap into the pool with arms a flailing.

Most of us do the opposite.

Our stomachs turn so we stop.

We opt for a brownie, a nap, anything at all to prevent moving forward and taking on the beast that stands before us mockingly beckoning us to our undiscovered genius and greatness via the uncomfortability that fear creates.

When I'm comfortable, I'm not moving or growing.

We either progress or regress.

It has taken me several years to figure out which type of fear is begging for attention and just as many years to decide how I would offer attention.

As I whip through my 40' s and barrel towards my 50's, I fight daily to make sure that I do not back down and figure out ways to answer my own call to greatness.

I often write about death from the perspective that people aren't afraid of death (it's inevitable so why worry) that folks are really afraid to live.

If you had six months to live would you waste time being afraid ?

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Three Things Black Folks Can Do to Improve Our Lives Part 3

Along with the commitment to mental health, we must also take charge of our physical well being.

Diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure,stress (the body's reaction to carrying more than it should, thanks bell hooks)and cancer are just a few of the things that seem to attack us and take us out in grave numbers.

Black and male does not have to equal unhealthy and walking health risk.

Making our health a priority will be against much of what society says we ought to be doing.

I wrote about my hatred of and being terrorized by a doctor in my post Why HIV Infection Rates are Up for Young Black Men.

We allow ourselves to be bullied and silenced by things that matter.

Like a whole lot of black folks I know, I only make trips to the doctor when I'm in pain or something bothers me.

As a race, we have been socialized into believing that health concerns and any sign of physical need is sign of weakness.

Coupled with the racism that many doctors have not unlearned and you have a context in which care is unimportant and to request it makes you less than.

We must realize that it is our right to live and feel well.

At 45, I know many people ten years by junior and ten years my senior who are on a host of meds.

My mother was recently diagnosed with high blood pressure by a doctor who wanted to put her on meds.

My mother refused and instead countered with a response about whether or not there was an alternative.

She and the doctor designed a program that included exercise and slight dietary modifications (my mother is a strict vegan and only eats what she grows or trades with others).

Weeks later, the tests proved that the new program worked and there was no need for medication.

We are not obliged to a life of labored living and struggle simply because of our skin color.

Whenever I meet or talk to someone about health issues, there is always a correlation between either something they're doing or something they should stop doing.

I learned a great deal about diabetes from my cousin and very close family friends. I was unaware that this disease can be managed by eating healthier (processed foods being the biggest issue here) and consistent exercise.

I thought it meant a life with no desserts.

High Blood Pressure ?

I didn't know that laying off the junk food and salt along with moderate exercise once again would do the trick.

We also underestimate the stress brought on by our jobs, day to day life and of course our families.

Preparing for my recent wedding brought this little gem front and center.

Speaking with various family members (who all had opinions of what I should be doing or should have done) taught me some serious lessons in how to remove stress from my life, be clear about my expectations and not take care of grown ass people's feelings and thoughts.

I took care of myself in familiar ways that I know work.

I did more walking during this time.

I talked with supportive friends.

I took more baths and prayed more.

To combat the inevitable weight gain (my response to stress), I stopped going on about not getting to hot yoga and instead starting walking on the track at my new job.

Based on American standards of what healthy looks like, few of us fit the bill.

As we make our physical and mental health a priority, there is nothing that can't be accomplished.

More than unemployment, lack of education, racism and housing issues, being physically healthy with strong adept minds will allow us all to take on forces that threaten our well being and support others in doing the same.

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Three Things Black Folks Can Do to Improve Our Lives Part 2

While I am thrilled with all of the technological advances we've made in the last twenty years, we must consider what has happened to our young people. Part 2 in this series is all about young people and the media.

Black folks please stop allowing the media and pop culture to raise our children and teach them anything other than how to entertain.

Everyday, I am bombarded with images and lingo that teach our children nothing.

While it is not the responsibility of creatives and artists to censor and limit their work and vision, it it our responsibility to teach critical thought and action.

By teaching critical thought we do not limit nor eliminate certain types of artistry, we expand thinking and usher in greater creativity.

Pink, in her great song, "Stupid Girls" asks: What happened to the dream of a girl president; She's dancing in a video next to fifty cent.

When young girls only see women as props, shaking their money makers and concerned with getting and keeping male attention, we invite an entire generation to focus on the physical aesthetic and ignore the struggle and joy that occurs when inner resources are discovered and used to incite victorious lives.

Young males do not escape the cultural brainwashing that says young males are aggressive, not to be trusted and only take up space when they are thugs.

When young boys are provided with physical touch that is not sexual or aggressive they learn to navigate their bodies in ways that have nothing to with domination as the only representation of maleness.

Turn off the television and pick up a book.

Have a discussion.

Attend a community meeting where differences of opinion are loud, passionate and divergent.

Allow young people to see discord and confusion that gets settled without physicality, shaming or belittling.

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Three Things Black Folks Can Do to Improve Our Lives

So many young people and those who did not witness black folks being water housed and attacked by bigots and their dogs, mistakenly assume that racism and its many incarnations and offshoots are a thing of the past.

I often fantasize that King, Malcolm, Hamer,Rustin and the like are looking at all of the shenanigans that pass for entertainment and daily life and feel yes: my life was worth this.

I firmly believe that the aforementioned cultural and political icons would be pleased with the political progress we've made (President Barack Obama)and marvel at the strides in social change and entertainment masking as such(Oprah Winfrey and her empire).

I also believe they would be sickened and visibly upset when viewing the things that we've allowed to continue and encourage our young people to engage in by either silent resignation or outright aping the mores and social standings that go unquestioned and unchallenged.

With a clear cut objective that involves becoming and staying emotionally healthy and making sure everyone in our community has the same goal despite limited and or outdated resources, we can collectively move forward while simultaneously demanding that those with power share it.

In order to take on this daunting and most worthwhile task , I suggest we look at three things that hold us back and keep us mired in pathologies, blaming and shaming and prayer as our only strategy for change.

Stop worrying about what white folks think or feel about you.

So much of our collective suffering and inability to rethink solutions and possible outcomes have their root in the seduction and performance that is whiteness.

Far too many of us believe that we can appease the "theys" in our worlds if we constantly and stupidly concern ourselves with what is thought or said about us by people that in many instances don't like us very much.

With the advent of White Supremacy and the unrelenting innovation of seduction that targets our self esteem and body images, our behavior is pretty predictable.

Whites have their own pain and discomfort as a direct result of White Supremacy.

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How We All Benefit from Privilege

White male privilege is a term that gets thrown around a lot these days.

Whenever any bit of injustice show up, we get the opportunity to trot out the tried and true WMP.

While it is fun and convenient to push every slight into this category, we all choose to overlook ways that people who are not white or male benefit from all sorts of opportunities.

White Male Privilege is very real.

What no one will willingly take a look at is all of the other privileges that get created and are intertwined with WMP.

The machine that is patriarchy and white supremacy offer us opportunities to control and lord power over others.

Whatever group you belong to and the fact that you are human provides the impetus for dominating.

While I don't believe that is natural for folks to dominate one another, there is a tendency to lean in this direction as a result of all the gifts that are offered.

The machine must be fed and we are all invited to partake of the system that offers fake promises and severely limiting rewards.

I am a black gay man and am afforded privilege in each identity depending on who I'm with and the context of all of my relationships.

Regardless of what any one will say there are certain privileges that are assigned to me simply because of the darkness of my skin.

Music, culture, fashion sense and the ability to thrive on scarps and look good while doing it all part of gay, black male privilege.

Gay privilege affords me the luxury of not having to consider reproducing.

Gay privilege affords me the option of not having to think long term about much of anything. It also allows me to indulge in a certain type of social isolation and a big "fuck you" to society if that is what I desire.

There are many gays and lesbians I know who have no interest in mainstream anything and yet are looked to when it is time to shake things up and make things interesting or cutting edge.

While these are exaggerations the point is that no one is exempt form gaining certain rewards when and if they suit them.

Much like the privileges that get bestowed upon blacks and gays, being male is another opportunity to examine what goodies get offered to us and when.

People grow to know and accept you as gay.

Nobody needs adjusting and reschooling in terms of what being male means.

Upon the birth of a male child, everyone immediately begins to decide that all of the world's resources and treasures are his to indulge and command.

No one ever thinks : I hope my son is kind, gentle and compassionate towards others.

Instead, we immediately begin contemplating and thinking of all the ways he will "rule" the world.

There is no thought given to the problematic stance that because of this person's gender there might be wishes offered and granted simply because of his maleness.

When we examine all the ways that people have access to resources, it is clear that we are all very unclear as to how privilege works, how it gets assigned and what it does to all of us on a cellular and spiritually stunted level.

I like to take the definition of Tim Wise when examining the seductive and radical thinking reduction that this most dangerous process continues to engender.

According to Tim Wise, Privilege in its most basic form allows us the luxury of not having to think about certain things.

When we are allowed the freedom (or so we think) of not having to think about certain things we are then allowed the freedom(or so we think) to not have to change our behavior or invest in any real hard core action.

We can allow things to happen to "those people".

We can allow brutalization to occur because folks don't look like or think like or act like us.

It is very easy to dismiss a group if including them would require a clear and radical self analysis.

When 911 occurred, we as a country were provided a clear picture of what the world thought of us and our relentless commitment to staying asleep and pursuing our interests no matter the consequences.

Being able to selfishly pursue everything we desire without any thought to
whether others are safe, nurtured and have access to resources make us vile and clueless in ways that have devastating effects on the planet and our communities.

We can turn this around by questioning why certain individuals are granted certain access and demand that those in power cast a wider net when the focus is on who gets what and why.

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Why Radical Feminism will Save Black Men and Those that Brutalize Them

Many smart, well meaning people are terribly confused about feminism and its power.

Many folks assign those committed to feminist based struggle and societal reordering as: banner wavers, complainers, angry dykes(men in drag upset because certain resources are unavailable).

My understanding of Radical Feminism's power is based on how my life has been affected and continues to evolve as a result of living a feminist based life.

As a young black male and now middle aged black gay male, my feminist leanings have allowed me an incredibly inquisitive mind and stellar critical thinking and problem solving abilities.

Whether creating innovative ways to live with family and friends or taking on the forces of psychosis(sexual and drug addiction) that sought to dictate the world I could design, radical feminism taught me to love and live well.

It has taught me to deeply love and challenge (the racism of) white friends and lovers.

It has taught me to deeply love and challenge (the machismo and classism) of black friends and lovers.

True radical, well thought out and constantly changing feminist principles allow everyone to create lives of their own without the constant checking in that oppression and domination require.

Radical Feminism insists on access to resources, thinking and ways of being that allow everyone opportunities that encourage compassion, concern for self and others and most importantly a redistribution of wealth and access.

Media has created a focus on what feminism means to a few select members of society while ignoring the overall affects it can and does have for the masses.

When properly applied, it forces us all to take very disturbing looks at what we do daily and the many ways that a less than full commitment to society's emancipation becomes commonplace and acceptable to so many of us.

While many of us unwittingly partake of dominator ways of interacting, it is not the nature of humans to want other humans to hurt and suffer.

Watching young children grow and mature has taught me that all types of manipulation, hurt, domination are not natural and in fact are taught.

Our systems that allow goodies for a select few (Radical Feminism's opposite), rely on not only a scarcity model but that we will also teach this way of existing to our young.

My youngest sister and my very young granddaughters ingest what is permissible for young women and either alter or disrupt the dreams they have for their lives.

By introducing them all along with the young boys in my tutelage to the work of bell hooks, Essex Hemphill and Tim Wise, I offer them glorious chances to dig deeper and challenge a society that believes it has no interest or use for any brilliance that comes wrapped in a darker package.

Using feminism as our beginning point, I often stress that our job is to restructure our society by becoming powerful, thoughtful, creative citizens whose behavior is not rooted in domination, belittling others or selfishly hoarding goods from those that could most use them.

While the conversations are often awkward and in pieces, they are necessary and can be seen when my young folks incorporate this thinking and learn to practice patience, understanding and respect for themselves and others.

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The Ultimate Guide to Saving Black Men Using the Ways of the Amish Part 2

In the previous post, I pointed out that racism has invented itself as police brutality.

A radical redistribution of wealth would force a new way of thinking and behavior modification.

A movement needs all types of people doing all types of things.

Revolutionaries who need time to think, organize and upset the masses need funding for housing, food and life's basic necessities

All leaders need financial support to ensure that day jobs don't derail their first and most pressing commitment(fighting for change).

Reading about the earnings of Jay Z for the first six months of the year ($60 million dollars) has given me many ideas for social movements that could occur if a small portion of his fortune where redirected "Amish" style.

Here is my personal plan (Amish influenced) for a Spending Plan that would yield impressive results.

Using five percent of Jay Z's six month gross (three million dollars) would look like this:

Three lawyers earning $50,000 each for two years. This group would focus on ways to legislate change.
Total = $300,00

Purchasing buildings to provide free housing and critical thinking space for a group of 100 individuals who are already working for change. Twenty groups of five living communally and being able to create solutions without worrying about a job or paying rent along with free utilities and food. Detroit and cities struggling to attract residents could be examples of purchasing homes and using them for social change. Twenty homes at $30,000 each plus food and utilities ($5,000 a year for two years)
Total= $610,000

Coding, Spanish and Everyday Math courses and materials for our young people in an effort to understand and link our struggles with those who have fought and won similar battles. Teachers, materials and computer supplies including: six teachers being paid Fifty grand each, free housing and medical benefits with an option to renew their contracts every two years.
Total =$400,000

Round the Clock Mental Health Resources : I have no idea how would work and believe that $400,000 would cover the costs.
Total = $400,000

Opening a small bank that would provide interest free loans for any person involved in changing the community.
Total = $1.3 million dollars

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The Ultimate Guide to Saving Black Men Using the Ways of the Amish

Michael Jordan, Jay Z, Beyonce and a host of other black celebrities have blood on their hands.

Black multimillionaires have used the black community to make piles of money and yet when one of our young people is murdered they remain silent.

It is great to make money.

It is greater to speak up about something other than the latest product you want our youthful community members to consume.

Why are we not demanding that the attention these folks generate be used for something other than getting more attention?

Ghettos are full of young people and their parents lusting for items they can't afford created by people that don't care about them.

We can adopt an Amish way of handling our finances and boycott things that don't support us or uplift our young people.

In the great book, Money Secrets of the Amish, there are several strategies that this debt free and self governing community uses to maintain its power and commitment to clear thinking and communal growth.

What this group has mastered is the power to say no to things that don't matter and yes to things that do.

Why spend $300 on sneakers when my child does not have a safe place to play or the books he needs in his classrooms ?

Amish persons would save this small fortune and invest in something that would pay off in the future.

By delaying gratification, they are able to wield an incredible amount of power speaking the language that all Americans understand: money.

We can adopt the same belief system, change our thinking about money and design a system that demands the end to black men as targets.

Where is our collective refusal to be pimped ?

Where can we say no to bullshit that doesn't matter ?

Start with this quote from Money Secrets : The Amish say no to themselves on a regular basis. If they wore T-shirts with words no them, they could proudly wear "Don't Eat the Marshmallow" emblazoned over their thrifty hearts. They focus instead on the big picture, and the result is loads of unfrittered money in the bank. (p.45)

Once we understood the real influence we wield financially, we could direct it towards progressive thinkers and media outlets.

We could demand that the folks who get rich of us either turn the spotlight on issues that concern us or we will no longer support them by buying their records and clothing.

What could millions of dollars do to eliminate Black Male assassinations ?

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