He is crying. He is in pain. He is confused. He thought they would be nice to each other. He thought this thing can’t be happening. He is confused. He is crying. He hurts. His special parts, the ones no has ever touched are in pain. He is crying. Didn’t he say no ? That it hurt. That he wanted to stop. He remembers the light blue boxers being torn off he thinks they were torn. He remembers the chill because the air conditioning was up too high. It was August. It was a hotel room. He had always loved hotels. He will never visit Chattanooga again. He can tell no one. This is what they do, people will say. He will block it out. Never replay it in his mind. He will convince himself that this never happened. He tells himself the screams, the pain, the tears, the cold air never, ever happened.
This performance piece was written by me ten years ago in a show dedicated to surviving disappointment.
While it upset many people for its raw and honest portrayal of brutal and violent relationships, its depiction was one of hope for the masses and the belief that we all make bad choices until we don’t.
There is a great deal of focus on black men as the targets of police brutality.
There is little to no focus on the brutality many black men have suffered at the hands of people who look like us.
Shame and the belief that “manning up” will keep us safe and allow us to “get over it” has kept us screwed up for a long time.
While I have been questioned by police more than once, I have only felt shear terror when dealing with black men who were intent on staying emotionally stunted and destroying me in the process.
My goal is to remind us of the awful things that we do to each other and reprimand those of us who insist on “white justice” yet ignore brutality and murder if the perpetrator is of the same race.
I am down for discussing and eliminating the treatment that many young black males receive at the hands of police.
I am even more down for discussing the ways we brutalize and lash out at each other.
Being labeled a fag and sissy came from the homophobic mouths of black men.
Being spit on and physically assaulted happened at the hands of black men.
It is difficult to understand the demand that other people treat us better than we are willing to treat those in our own community.
This is why there has been no major change in the way society views and then treats us.
If our silent agreement is you’re not shit and neither am I, why shouldn’t the larger society interact the same way ?
It is imperative that we clean our own homes first and then demand change.