An expert in getting back up again – writer, speaker, teacher

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Warning: Black, Gorgeous, Brilliant Gay Man is Influencing Young Children

My very young and impressionable grandchildren cornered me one day regarding my pending nuptials.

Are you the girl? Who will wear the dress?

After the inquisition was masterfully handled, they each shrugged, looked at each other then sped off on a skateboard and bike respectively.

I have influenced hundreds of young people and it always amazes me when they are given the opportunity to ingest homophobia or racism and decide that they would rather not.

When it comes down to loving the person who has shown patience, consideration and consistency or dismissing the same person because of a "perceived difference", young folks will invariably go with the more loving approach.

Homophobia is taught by adults and is based on the images they consume.

As a result, homophobia goes unchecked and unchallenged.

My new family embraces me for the unique and powerful gifts I bring (teaching, an inordinate amount of patience and much attention to each child's personal needs).

My family of origin would like to feign shock that I am still gay and horrors of horrors am marrying another man.

My young charges are not aware (are clueless) about the reality that there are institutions (made up of scary people) that would like me dead.

Whether it is slow and methodical (drugs, alchohol, sex, low self esteem, toxic shame) or quick and effective (bashings, homicide), the goal remains the same: destroy the fag.

While I would like to prevent them from ever witnessing these atrocious side of humanity, it is important that when they are faced with it they refuse to be silent.

Wouldn't it be wonderful for all of them to stand up one day and say: I was co-raised by a black gay men who is loving and kind.

I was recruited by a Black Gay to be powerful, fearless and demand that the world and my country live up to its promise and move beyond domination and scapegoating?

With all of the media images (which make money from our suffering) attacking our psyches, it makes it difficult to live a trauma free life.

Media influence is real and not to be dismissed or overlooked by those of us who know better.

My younguns while questioning my marriage and this level of commitment only questioned it to gain clarity.

They assumed we (my husband and I) were already married.

This was when it became clear to me that all of the bullshit we take on as "reality"/just the way things are is a learned, systematic process that can be just as systematically done away with.

When a four year old asks you : When is your ceremony?

You can do nothing but smile and feel hopeful.

I would like the dumb bigots that consciously confuse pedophilia with homosexuality to visit my grandchildren so that they can learn.

Wouldn't it be incredible to have my four year old school conservative "family values" folk in how to stop being an idiot?

This would make a great you tube clip.


Five Dumb Sex Beliefs that Keep Gay Men from Finding True Love

Celibacy is Unrealistic
Gay men are taught that everything must be handled sexually.

Celibacy is a wonderful way for gay men to handle emotional needs without sexual activity.

We are not encouraged to seek counsel to deal with our problems in ways that require silence, contemplation or self- reflection. We are supported in using one another and not figuring out productive ways to change our lives.

When I was a sexual 20 something, I encountered many guys who were either unsure about their HIV status or lied about it.

Most men are not vicious enough to outright lie about their status and their motives for wanting to have sex.

When I realized that I had been lied to and outright manipulated, it became a personal obsession to ensure that my health remained great. At 24 I decided to forgo sex for at least one year or until a great guy came along.

Giving up “giving it up” made me productive.

I once read: men become successful in their 40’s because no time is wasted trying to get laid and being on the prowl.

During my self- imposed celibacy, I finally began my career as a writer.

I was able to redirect my life energy to writing, thinking and figuring out how to effectively self- actualize.

It is time we all looked at and committed to doing this whole sex thing in a very different way.

Limiting Sex/Attraction to One Type Will Make Me Happy

One of the major things that keep us from finding and keeping true love is our addiction to and fascination with “types”.

Whether you’re black and only date white or white and only date and sleep black, you are limiting who you will love.

I have met wonderful men of all races.

I have also met a few hardcore assholes who would still be assholes no matter their race.

As a black gay man, I thought it was my duty to love a black man.

I was unaware of “types” and that I could be boxed into a flavor of the month.

Spending the Summer in Boston changed my perspective.

Although it was the first time I had ventured outside my race for dating, companionship and sex, I found myself questioning what the big deal was and why I had waited so long.

When the Summer ended, my beautiful, kind, thoughtful and wealthy suitor begged me to stay and continue or relationship in a more adult and complete manner.

Many men have obsessively tried to get into my pants.

Few have tried with a Herculean effort to get into my mind.

If what we are seeking is true love, it might be time to can the bullshit, look at what and why we find certain things attractive and broaden our lust eyes.

Andrew Morrison-Gurza is a brilliant writer who writes extensively and insightfully about dating while disabled. In his great post: he addresses dating and sex while being wheel chair bound and self managing a chronic illness.

We each point out the need to date, screw and build relationships beyond what is comfortable and familiar.

When we fall in love or level headingly decide to devote ourselves to loving another well, it is not with a set of genitalia or skin color.

We must widen what we like and who we can love.

Porn Star Sex is Available to Everyone

While most of us have seen porn, it is rarely viewed with a critical eye and the understanding that it is a form of entertainment.

Repeated viewing makes you believe that every cock is huge, there is never a need to negotiate sexual interaction and most importantly this is the only thing that matters to men.

No one will suggest that we refrain from viewing it until we are not driven by images created by people who don’t love or respect us.

My initial viewing of gay male porn at nineteen was brought to me by my first gay male relationship.

My terrorist enjoyed encouraging me to watch porn and then blatantly and cruelly denying me sex.

Entwined with my initial relationship, porn taught me that sex was mechanical, always available and didn’t require much conversation.

Without true, non -sexual conversations there is not much chance of finding and keeping true love.

True love is not about the type or frequency of sex.

True love is also not about mechanics, predictability or fantasy.

It forces us to be uncomfortable and often requires that we straddle the unfamiliar with the possibility that everything could change at any moment.

When things change, we have to deal in the moment and not go into familiar roles and behavior.

Love demands that we think.

In porn, no one is thinking they are doing.

In porn everyone is a fuck beast and is a master at doing the deed.

True love requires some errors.

A while ago, there was much discussion about bareback porn.

Committing to truth and an understanding and proper view of fantasy (the substance abuse addictions in our communities is staggering)would eliminate the need for debate.

People would understand that having unprotected sex is dangerous and can have lifelong affects.

We are led to believe that we can have or recreate what our personal fave porn performers get paid to do.

We think this is possible without a crew, lights, directors, sexually enhancing drugs and twelve hours shoots.

Great Sex is Risky Sex

Sex in public bathrooms and abandoned houses with strangers.

We have all been schooled in the ridiculousness that for sex to be “hot”, good or worthwhile , it needs to include some life altering risk.

For too many of us, liberation means having the right to not give a fuck and doing whatever with whomever we choose.

This is not grown up liberation.

It is a stupid, petulant response to being told that we are not enough.

It is our collective response to a large group of folks that hate us.

Risky-kick up your heels- I don’t give a shit sex often lulls us into thinking that we are bad asses and all the bullying and familial shunning was wrong.

What could be more liberating, we are seduced into believing, than screwing in the open where the “straights” might have to witness us having a good time?

Risky sex is enthralling because of what it can and can’t offer.

While it offers a chance to “perform” for people who are disgusted and obsessed with our sexual expression, it does not satisfy on the deepest level.

It also does not provide an opportunity to fully see another human.

When we are tricking in a public place, the possibility of fresh dick and a belief that all fantasies may be fulfilled is overwhelming.

We crave closeness and settle for a warm body who will offer orgasms without much personal or psychological work.

A constant search for risk leaves us unprepared for true love and the kind of joy that is based in cultivating relationships that lead to real risk: (emotional connection).

While dallying in the world of constantly available and predictable “risky sex”, I longed for a real connection with another gay man.

When a practice is no longer working and is actually causing problems does it make sense to hold onto it and hope one more body, cute smile or low self -esteem liaison will improve our outlook and offer us a way to enjoy another sans exploitation.

When you are doing the deed with someone you don’t know and without exploration of anything other than the physical you are using another and being used as well.

Can we change or challenge this notion?

What Sex Can and Can't Do

Most gay men are taught that the only thing that matters is what is between our legs and what we do and don’t do with it.

Gay subculture is consumed with sexual activity and our personal attractiveness.

As a young queen, most of my interactions with other gay men was sex based.

Could I get you to fuck me? Would you be blown away by my sexual prowess?

Would I be so phenomenal that you’d leave your current relationship and stalk me for a deeper commitment?

None of the gay men I knew attempted to dissuade this ridiculous and pointless use of my time.

When I meet gay men who are young and full of promise and possibility and obviously being hormone lead, I often draw attention to what their gifts are beyond the bedroom.

Many of them, like my younger self, are not clear about the contributions they can make with their clothes on.

While we are perfecting sexual techniques and gathering sexual body counts we are also quickly aging.

Being a walking mattress at 25 or thirty is cute.

Being one at fifty is a different story.

At 23, I assumed that a grand roll in the hay equaled an opportunity to create a wonderful long lasting “true love” type of relationship.

When a roll took the place of some serious , hard down thinking and examining beyond the sheet action, things began to shift and change drastically.

My one year of celibacy convinced me some twenty three years ago to dig deeper and demand more of myself.

In one year, I discovered what sex could do- make you feel physically good; and what it couldn’t do- cure loneliness, depression and cripplingly low self- esteem.

As an older person in the community, I still maintain that we are as confused about sex as ever.

Gay brothers, friends and ex-lovers please wake up.

Please demand more from yourself and those that you say you care about.

We can and must do better.

Sex is powerful and we are more powerful.

We must examine all the lies fed to us by the heterosexual community and the ones that we have decided to create in our own communities.


How Gay and Straight Men Can Learn from Each Other and Build Great Relationships

I have spent far too much time treating my straight male friends like shit.

When it comes to friendships with straight male counterparts, my assumptions are quick, limiting and in many cases wrong.

This is a problem when I fight for and demand that we as men think and behave differently and when personally offered a chance to act differently, I refuse.

The men I have been fortunate enough to know are usually very excited when the topic of hot women comes up. There are the usual names bandied about despite race: (Halle Berry, Beyonce, Jennifer Lopez, Janet Jackson, Jennifer Aniston) if the men I'm speaking with are straight.

Idris Elba, Hugh Jackman, Taye Diggs if the men are gay.

My straight male friends know on a very real and legitimate level that they will never meet Halle Berry so hitting the sheets with her will never under any circumstances occur.

Once this realization occurs, my clear thinking and logical SMF (Straight Male Friends) decide to love and partner with someone more attainable and committed to building something substantial.

My SMF understand the difference between an image on tv (even though they might still desire said image) and that day to day existence is not something that will always be shiny and as glowing as the images they've been schooled to lust after.

Unfortunately, most gay men have very little intimate, non-exploitative contact with straight males who have done the work necessary to connect with gay men which could lead to insight regarding the blending of fantasy and reality.

We (straight and gay men) are taught that we are enemies and have nothing to learn from or contribute to each other's lives.

The most radical thing any of us can do is tell the truth, demand it form our loved ones and make it essential to the relationships we create.

Over the years, I have chosen to befriend straight men then point out the things the ways that they behave as typical, stupid and childish.

I have no struggle in letting my gay male comrades that I love them deeply. I have no issues with sharing my intimate and passionate devotion to my female pals.

When it comes to my SMF , I not only struggle with the emotional honesty and closeness I bestow on others: I adamantly withhold it.

Like most power struggles, this is a place wherein I feel the need to belittle (periodically) to mark clear boundaries regarding whose "in charge".

My fear is that given any slack in my vigilance, I will be misunderstood, taken advantage of and teased.

Surviving these things would not be impossible.

Thriving amidst them would mean work and a commitment to vulnerability.

I could make the decision to only be around gay men and strictly limit my thinking to the patterns and pathologies of our always interesting and often misguided subculture.

My decision is one that does not eliminate certain segments of the population because certain privileges have been bestowed which prevent a certain type of insight and thinking.

This begins now and must continue despite the fear and uneasiness it engenders.


Another gay male secret: I’m so disappointed

When I attempted to reconcile a doomed relationship for the third time in five years, my heart was broken and my mind was fried.

I already knew the answer to the question "can this relationship be saved ?" No. It can't.

As black gay men, we get inducted into a lifetime of disappointment at a very early age. From the time we fail to catch a football, share our love for big voiced divas or get picked last for a neighborhood sport, we get schooled and seduced into what we will learn later is a lifetime of expected and impotent way of dealing with disappointments.

Life is not all shit and kicks in the teeth.

We all learn the silent and sometimes vocal disapproval that is created because we are not quite enough in some areas and far too much in others. To make sure that we get the message, we are often handed a healthy dose of guilt about what our desires are.Socialization lets everyone know we have disappointed those that love us and the culture at large.

Growing up, my dad constantly questioned and belittled my inability to catch a football and my disdain and complete uninterest in anything sports related.

If I ever felt that it was no big deal that I was severely lacking in these gifts, my family and schoolmates made sure that it was clear: who you are is wrong and no substantial life can be be built with what you have to offer.

It seems comical that my ability to construct a powerful life of my own was tied to my ability to catch a football or take a kick in the crotch via some ridiculous karate class.

Many gay men never grow out of the miasma that is constant and unabashed disappointment.

Personally, I struggle with not expecting the worse out of people and am always shocked when a personal friend or paramour disappoints in word, action or deed.

So many of us fall into addictions of all kinds (sexual, food, debt, serial monogamy) in an effort to create predictable circumstances.

Addictions comfort and soothe us not because they are fun and productive but because they are dependable. They will not disappoint. When struggling with holding on to what was left of my mind, my addiction to anonymous sex ran amuck. Many times, I felt as if I was watching someone else do and say some of the most ridiculous shit imaginable. My mind was more interested in repeatedly creating the same result no matter the consequences or illogic. My body was just along for the ride: a conduit who knew its role.

Much like my earliest indoctrination into what to expect and be able to create in my life, I quickly developed a fascination with how far I could go to create predictable results that were anything but unreliable.

It is extremely dangerous when you find yourself doing things you no longer find joyful. When doing things you find despicable bring relief which is constant and otherworldly comforting, there is a serious problem.

This seductive world is not reality.

The lies fed to us by our parents framing our future lives in upset and disappointment because of our sexuality is not reality either.

We get healthy and fight for and win our emotional health by not denying the reality that sometimes shit gets fucked up.

We get healthy by demanding that we have the right to love our lives and develop them pathology free.

We get healthy by not feeling compelled to not disappoint mommy and daddy and whoever we assign that parental role.

We get healthy by not allowing anyone to determine if what we've done meets their approval and should be tinkered with or rehauled.

We get healthy by not disappointing ourselves and silently agreeing to nonsense that is not in our best interests.

What disappointments still run your life ? What upset are you waiting for someone else to correct ?


The ultimate guide to aging in the gay male community

According to all of the images forced down my throat and into my psyche, I am not among the "hotness" that is gay male culture.


How Money affects Gay Male Couples.. WARNING! This posts tells gay men’s dirty secrets

Men loving men has its own challenges and no place is this more evident than the realm of financial responsibility.

Like many of our straight male counterparts, we often enter relationships with many severely limited and unproductive views regarding earning and managing money. More often than not , we equate a man’s earnings and or earning potential with his character and ability to effectively contribute within a relationship.


Smart Slut 3… The decision to be victorious

My new favorite past time is falling in love with men’s potential.

Instead of taking an honest look at what a person presents as their true self, I like the big game of pretend. Basically, I wasn’t very bright and instead of examining my choices regarding my health and well being , I decided to jump into another ill-fated romance.


Smart Slut 2… Love will not keep you HIV free

Most of the HIV positive people I know became infected in the course of a relationship.

After talking with a good friend from overseas, I was informed of this incredible theory. My brilliant ally and I discussed at length the risks people are willing to take and for what reason.


Glee is Brilliant Television

I write this response to highlight and draw attention to the most sublime television I have seen in over a decade.


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