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15May/170

Warning: Black, Gorgeous, Brilliant Gay Man is Influencing Young Children

My very young and impressionable grandchildren cornered me one day regarding my pending nuptials.

Are you the girl? Who will wear the dress?

After the inquisition was masterfully handled, they each shrugged, looked at each other then sped off on a skateboard and bike respectively.

I have influenced hundreds of young people and it always amazes me when they are given the opportunity to ingest homophobia or racism and decide that they would rather not.

When it comes down to loving the person who has shown patience, consideration and consistency or dismissing the same person because of a "perceived difference", young folks will invariably go with the more loving approach.

Homophobia is taught by adults and is based on the images they consume.

As a result, homophobia goes unchecked and unchallenged.

My new family embraces me for the unique and powerful gifts I bring (teaching, an inordinate amount of patience and much attention to each child's personal needs).

My family of origin would like to feign shock that I am still gay and horrors of horrors am marrying another man.

My young charges are not aware (are clueless) about the reality that there are institutions (made up of scary people) that would like me dead.

Whether it is slow and methodical (drugs, alchohol, sex, low self esteem, toxic shame) or quick and effective (bashings, homicide), the goal remains the same: destroy the fag.

While I would like to prevent them from ever witnessing these atrocious side of humanity, it is important that when they are faced with it they refuse to be silent.

Wouldn't it be wonderful for all of them to stand up one day and say: I was co-raised by a black gay men who is loving and kind.

I was recruited by a Black Gay to be powerful, fearless and demand that the world and my country live up to its promise and move beyond domination and scapegoating?

With all of the media images (which make money from our suffering) attacking our psyches, it makes it difficult to live a trauma free life.

Media influence is real and not to be dismissed or overlooked by those of us who know better.

My younguns while questioning my marriage and this level of commitment only questioned it to gain clarity.

They assumed we (my husband and I) were already married.

This was when it became clear to me that all of the bullshit we take on as "reality"/just the way things are is a learned, systematic process that can be just as systematically done away with.

When a four year old asks you : When is your ceremony?

You can do nothing but smile and feel hopeful.

I would like the dumb bigots that consciously confuse pedophilia with homosexuality to visit my grandchildren so that they can learn.

Wouldn't it be incredible to have my four year old school conservative "family values" folk in how to stop being an idiot?

This would make a great you tube clip.

4Sep/160

Get Rid of Unsatisfying Relationships Once and For All

A family member suggested that my Nephew could not stay with me and my white partner because he liked to "stick with his own".

I was mortified.

Putting racist,nonthinking aside, it was clear to me that people get hurt and miss out when interactions are either not made or are not deepened.

Most of us like to construct our relationships with people who look and think like us.

For many people, this is an easy existence and one that requires little to no effort.

In world that is rife with two minute meals and the need to be connected to everyone all the time, it is little wonder that we are uninterested in building relationships.

We are encouraged to consume and rely on stereotypes to develop and then discard our friendships.

Men who want to do things differently are often confused about how this will look and most definitely how it should begin and continue in ways that rely on true heart to heart connections.

Using my "secret" attraction" to you or the belief that I will save you via my infinite pool of wisdom and insight means I have already dehumanized you and in the process myself.

Men should enter relationships with a collaborative aim.

What can we do together to care and nurture one another?

I often struggle with explaining to men that I love the depth of love and concern I have for them even though we are not sexually intimate.

Homophobia knows no bounds and touches all of our lives.

While I can be extremely thoughtful, kind and considerate with other gay males regardless of the extent of our relationship, my straight male allies are often met with harsher tones.

My fears of being bullied or made fun of often keep me in defense mode which often leads to name calling and ribbing as our initial interaction.

Building healthy, non exploitative relationships and interaction takes a great deal of time and commitment.

When men decide they want a better world for everyone, there are few things more productive than building alliances across differences.

I am often amused by folks who say they are not racist yet have no black or brown friends or they have interaction with dark folks that is based in servitude and entertainment.

When white males are pressed about their lack of friends of color much silence and bumbling explanations occur.

The same thing takes place when black folks are put in the same position.

In the great movie Lorenzo's Oil, community is formed based on improving and saving the lives of children.

Several people band together (despite race, class and socioeconomic differences) to ensure that children are not suffering.

While it was a typical Hollywood movie in most parts, the idea of people bonding and building using only their internal resources struck me as radical and innovative.

My very good friend Carlos and I struck up an interesting friendship almost ten years ago.

As my immediate supervisor, it was his job to keep all of us on task and deliver results for the corporation that employed us both.

We developed a rapport that quickly became a solid friendship with us advising one another on everything from relationship problems to ways to eat healthier and invest money.

When there was a misunderstanding that caused us to not speak for weeks, we restructured our relationship when he told me that I was one of few people he trusted with taking care of his new, then unborn first child.

This statement meant the world to me and changed the nature of our interaction in ways that still provide close connection even though he lives in Brooklyn and I live in Los Angeles.

On a daily basis, we are all provided with tons of opportunities to change our minds and the ways we interact.

Men who are interested in transforming the world don't deny their fear nor allow it to paralyze them.

Men who want to change the world change themselves first.

Men who are secure and choose to fight for the inclusion of all ensure that they find, create and nurture connections in ways and places that may not be obvious.

Men who are secure understand that attraction, homogeneous alliances and safety are not reasons to connect or dismiss another.

I know several people who have decades long interaction with people they don't like or respect and then wonder why they feel so unfulfilled in their personal lives.

Gay men it is time that we recreate our relationships with other gay men and let go of this ridiculous, teenage way of building relationships based on another's "hotness".

Gay men it is time we let go of the straight male seduction fantasy.

Straight men it is time to let go of the idea of being so irresistible that all queens can't wait to drop to their knees and will risk all manner of good sense and self respect to bed you.

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20Feb/160

My Year of Living Dangerously by Taking Full Responsibility for Everything

Yesterday, I made a mistake at work and totally forgot to acquire an agreed upon resource for one of my wonderful students.

Work relationships, like all relationships that you decide to invest in emotionally, give you the opportunity to address familial and chronic distresses and "not good enoughs".

We can decide to speak up or remain quiet and hopefully exit a situation unscathed and unnoticed.

I will apologize for the forgotten agreement.

After the apology, I will move on and highlight to myself all the good that I have provided for this student and the sixty others I have sworn to support and encourage.

2016 will be my year of taking responsibility. I will not blame, whine or point fingers.

I will not look for things to fear nor someone to blame.

I will make sure that I have all the information I need to make a great decision, then make one and deal with the consequences.

My year of taking full responsibility means I will not agree to things I have no desire to partake in nor agree to things I am uneasy about simply to spare the feelings of another.

On New Year's Eve, there was an opportunity to allow someone to defile my home or speak up and stop it.

I chose to speak up.

Knowing that I have he right to speak up despite how anyone feels is a great undertaking and one hell of a drug.

My year of full responsibility is multi-faceted.

Primarily, I am committed to three things: courage, curiosity and stellar communication.

Recently I began living from courage and urgency and my life exploded in many ways.

I bought my first home.

I tore into my day job like the beast that I am and started handling the financial aspect of my newly married status like a pro.

There is no way to take full responsibility without being courageous.

When I have decided that cowardice was a wiser(easier) choice, I felt like shit.

There is nothing worse than regret.

Choosing inaction makes you feel like a coward.

As a bright Seventeen-year-old, I dreamt of an education and passionate learning environment that was Columbia University.

When no one supported this life vision, I simply did what was expected and justified the decision constantly.

Attending an all black, small, liberal arts institution in the South in the 80's as a gay man was one hell of a decision that brought all kinds of oppressive and vile shit into my life.

Between the homophobia, class issues and constant fear of being outed, there also was the issue of not being challenged to look at things critically.

When you are being indoctrinated into the black, heterosexual, bourgeoisie middle class, there really is no time for taking responsibility outside of any arena that will not secure or improve your social standing in the aforementioned arena.

What could my life have been like had I taken full responsibility for my sexuality (coming out), risked being shunned and figured out how to make it financially without the assistance of people more frightened by life than I was and more committed to the status quo ?

The deadliest thing you can ever do is allow people to make life decisions for you or have any say in what you need or should be doing.

Rather than sitting around indulging in pre-determined life assignments, it is more dangerous to tear out and believe that you will figure shit out and self adjust.

bell hooks in her latest books on education encourages us all to become lifelong self-directed learners.

In this process danger is always afoot. Danger of not knowing. Danger of looking like a fool. Danger of having to continue despite brutal and real obstacles.

Real danger is never challenging yourself or finding out how far you can go in your career, in your relationships, in your life.

As you age, being dangerous is both inevitable and highly avoidable.

Most of us are already dead and just haven't crawled into our graves yet.

Take full responsibility and watch miracles unfold.

It is never too late to take on life and challenge and crush your fears.

Contact me and let me know how your danger looks and how you've kicked it in the junk.

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14Jun/150

Why We Should Choose “Grown Up Love”

Most of us are raised by people who know nothing about love.

Many of us confuse love with care(http://goodmenproject.com/guy-talk/why-we-confuse-love-with-care/) and then wonder why we are so confused, angry and carry a world of hurt inside our hearts.

It is not p.c. to say you don't love your children or for them to say they didn't or don't love you.

If what you long for is a real relationship saying there was care and never love would be a great start.

A while back my husband and I were discussing our upbringing.

I shared the theory that a great deal of what I and most people consider love screws us up in our adult relationships (intimate and platonic).

I pointed out that in therapy, conversations with close friends and another form of healthy thinking, R.C., I began considering that maybe I wasn't loved.

For many years, I bought into the philosophy that those that said they loved me (no matter how manipulative and cruel they were) simply needed forgiveness and understanding.

Most of us don't want to examine or question our upbringing from the standpoint that maybe you weren't wanted or loved.

Being told I should be like other boys; shooting down my dream of being a dancer burning up Studio 54 (once Saturday Night Fever went to series), imitating Eartha Kitt and wanting to be a writer, allowed me to see that humiliation and cruelty have no place in a relationship that calls itself love.

Perhaps you were that rare child with rare parents and adults who were able to meet your needs in healthy, non-manipulative ways.

Most of us did not have that experience as a result of the adults around us never examining their needs because we are all taught not to have any beyond the age of four.

To be an adult committed to mental health, we must face what scares us.

We are told that forgiving the unforgivable and being upset with those that have hurt us (which is a natural response to repeatedly inflicted pain)is something that keeps us stuck and unable to own and direct our lives.

While many people believe that understanding and the intellectual self explanations that accompany the aging process allows us to hold on to ourselves, I disagree.

As I aged, came out, created art and moved into and out of relationships and all over the country, the same (two)life lessons continued to reappear. First, I knew very little about love and the second thing was that the denial of any and all feelings was unhealthy and a recipe for disaster.

I have learned to be around family and anyone else who professes love and then offers up very unloving ways of interacting with me, in a very limited and guarded capacity.

I have learned to trust and watch behavior.

While this had not always felt good or comfortable, it has kept me out of all sorts of schizophrenia and ridiculousness.

Some people are evil, stupid, and are in now way interested in being shown kindness or "taught" how to treat anyone.

Hollywood has pimped us out by creating fantasy and unrealistic images of love and interaction.

Fairy tales explain things that confuse us and offer distractions for things that cause pain.

As adults who want "true love", we must give up fairy tales and start asking real questions:

Have I ever been loved well?

How did I know?

Have I done grown up work that will allow me to love another without manipulation, coercion or domination ?

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8Jan/131

Why indiscriminate promiscuity is the best solution for eliminating racism

Upon recently finishing the thought provoking and paradigm shifting, WHY ARE FAGGOTS SO AFRAID OF FAGGOTS ?, I am convinced that racism is cloaked in preference and one way to defeat racism is to (safely)sleep around indiscriminately.

What does this entail ?

It means for those of us cruising the internet or public places that we don't limit who we fuck.

That we only limit what we will do not with whom.

We eliminate things like no Asians or Blacks (unless their hung like a wild animal) and simply state the type of sexual act we would like to partake in.

We need to be more honest. If I prefer a certain sexual act does it matter with whom I perform it ?

I was recently told of a very dear friend (black) who only dates whites who in turn only dates black, hung tops. Since this individual is only one of these things, he often ends up with hurt feelings. If all involved parties widened their aesthetic, maybe things would work out differently and a whole lot of build up and dashed expectations would never occur.

If you want your hole plugged does it really matter by whom ?

The same goes for those of us who want to plug.

It really doesn't matter who is on the receiving end if this is all that I'm requiring.

We only run into problems when we attempt to use our magical powers for transforming a situation or a person into something that will never be or into a situation that would be best left alone.

By simple seeking out the act as opposed to the person we give racism the finger by not allowing stereotypes to dictate and determine our desires and what we find appealing.

It has always been interesting to me how selective queens try to be when they are in stealth cruise mode. I have more than once started laughing at a faggot who tries to pretend he has standards when he is in a public restroom or park looking for cock.

The minute you made the decision to start the hunt standards got tossed aside.

As an EOS( Equal Opportunity Slut), I have been with every race and every body type.

When looking to make physical contact, I allowed other factors to influence my decision. Physical contact at different times in my life was a need and a (numbers) game.

Unlike so many of my contemporaries, I don't have a type at least as it pertains to my elimination of racism.

This works because it then allows me to look for other things when choosing if and with whom to love and partner.

By indiscriminately slutting about, my head is not turned nor am I settling for someone who isn't my "type" when I am in a relationship.

Instead, I am turned on by the person in front of me using a different set of criterion : is he gentle, kind, committed to growing as an individual and within our relationship.

So what are you doing to end racism in the gay community ? Are you slutting about to complete your men of the world bed mates collection ?

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22Mar/110

Is Glee Too Gay?

First off, I want to say that I love this show. Every scene between Kurt and his dad is kind, hopeful, thoughtful, loving and insightful. If any of us had ever had an adult this supportive and nonoppressive, things would be quite different. However, I want to address the concept of duality or, more appropriately, living with and managing our own contradictions.

15Mar/110

Did I Sign a Youth Death Sentence?

I am a cowardly murderer.

I stood by watching the hate and homophobia of the world devour our youth and did nothing to prevent it. I could have spoken up. I could have screamed. I could have demanded they take me.

4Jan/110

Teaching: Hatred and Stupidity for the Masses

Seth Stambaugh was fired for being honest.

This is the lesson we are teaching young people. Be honest until it's inconvenient. As a gay teacher of color, my contributions to the lives of young people are often looked on as strange and abnormal. Like Mr. Stambaugh, I have both a love for teaching and young people.

5Dec/100

Knowing Uncle Calvin for What He Is

When I was a little boy, my father's best friend was a pimp.

Uncle Calvin was dapper, charming and always sported the latest fashions. I had no idea what this man did for a living. The only thing I knew was that there were all of these women around him and I couldn't figure out which one he was married to.

   
 

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