You know you need to do it at least twice a week but don’t.
You don’t want to even though it would make you and your mate uncontrollably happy.
Most couples find sex less than thrilling about the same time they’ve heard you retell the same story about winning the third grade spelling bee or being banned from the Senior Prom because you lied to an administrator and got caught.
There are numerous articles and suggestions about how to please your man in bed or how to drive your woman wild in the sack.
Every week in magazines across the country a new aphrodisiac is touted( an undiscovered sexual position or organ, oils, the blood of virgins) any and everything to keep us confused, irritated and spending our money looking for solutions.
What no article will promote is the panacea that is emotional intimacy.
Emotional Intimacy is not sexy sounding.
You will never overhear anyone say: “My mate and I had the most vulnerable, honest, raw and real conversation last night.”
Or what about this chestnut: “We stayed up talking until the wee hours and shared things that were difficult, uncomfortable or unfamiliar and we’re still together.”
You will hear about the “all night stallion” or the “insatiable wench” who couldn’t get enough.
Our desires and their complexities change over time.
If we choose they can either evolve or devolve.
Here is the best way I know for your relationship to evolve and hopefully deepen.
Have a conversation.
Spend time actually talking about your fears and disappointments.
Last week, my husband and I discussed our home.
Although we both love it, I admitted that I was unaware of all the things that home ownership entailed.
My assumption was that when a problem appeared you wrote a check and it disappeared.
What I’ve discovered is that this is not the case.
When the toilet explodes, you have to address then eliminate the problem.
When a family member needs a financial gift or an elderly parent needs medical care, you address and manage this issue.
Home ownership (sanctuary maintenance) requires constant upkeep and problem solving. When done properly and with a sense of urgency, it (your home and your relationship) will sustain you.
Creating great sex with your betrothed requires the same finesse and sense of urgency that a home explosion or mishap requires.
When you are committed to having a great relationship, you do not allow things to eat away at it.
You preserve the foundation from all the invisible termites determined to feast on your misfortunes(boredom, betrayal, mistrust and jealousy).
When you are committed to creating and maintaining a stellar relationship, you commit to carving out time for difficult conversations with your beloved.
Making time to discuss something other than a Visa bill or the morons you work with has incredible, real, long term positive effects on your relationship.
What should you discuss and who deep you should go is up to you and yours and what what you’ve laid the groundwork for.
Every couple lives inside a bazillion agreements both stated and silently agreed to.
Every couple has agreements that allow for the status quo.
If we want a new experience and a richer connection, it is imperative that we make new agreements.
When we suggest new agreements, loved ones often refer to previous agreements highlighting past successes and sharing their belief that things aren’t that bad. If this attempt at avoidance fails to stop the conversation there is always the tried and true “why didn’t you bring this up earlier?”
Shut that shit down quickly.
It is a wonderful tool of avoidance and an attempt to keep things unchanged.