I was 36 the first time I had sex in public.
I had no idea this was an option. I kept hearing Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong in my head, “How long has this been going on”. I truly thought people went to the park to read, the restrooms to pee and the malls to shop.
Coming out of a long term relationship at 36, I was angry, hurt, suicidal and just plain done. It was one more disappointment that seemed too much to bare. Like a number of men, once the relationship that you have spent so much time putting together disintegrates, there is a faulty understanding of whether or not you are still attractive.
Cruising takes care of that.
Nothing like a romp in the great outdoors to set your heart a thumping, your mind to shutting down and the belief that you have thumbed your nose at the man, polite society, and have truly gotten away with something dastardly. Oh yes, online or in person, the concept of free, noncommittal sex (hookups if you’re 30 or under) serves a number of functions.
The connection can be explosive, entertaining, instantaneous and most importantly if the person is a pain in the ass you never have to see them again.
You don’t have to argue about the same thing for the millionth time.
It’s free and always available. Nobody is at these spots not wanting to be sexual. A bit of negotiation and you’re off and running. Is this enough? What happens when this carnival of manly delights ceases to thrill?
What do I when I’d rather sit home and the thought of getting up and getting dressed to go to the man buffet causes me to yawn?
The concept of cruising fascinates me on some severe levels. One of the things that I find so telling about it is the concept of the risks we are all willing to take when it comes down to this business of getting “done.”
Often, we are led to believe that our actions have no consequences, that we can do whatever we like, whenever we like and if it ain’t hurting nobody who gives a shit. This is a very wrong, upside down way of handling our decisions and consequently our lives.
Everything we do has consequences.
Some are immediate others take time and work on us slowly and deliberately. What we really mean is this decision has a certain set of results that I am comfortable with. I can live with the fallout of such and such decision.
This is truly the case for cruising.
Yes, I could go to jail. Yes I could contract an STD or possibly HIV. Yes, I might have to register as a sex offender. I could be bashed or have my throat cut but I am willing to take these chances. Fascinating, right?
Yet, when it comes down to the serious work of truly listening, knowing that the person you love more than life is not hearing you, can’t and won’t get it, we run for the hills. That seems to be too much work.
We will fuck strangers (he’s really hot) in dark alleys and trust that the person is somewhat sane or at least hasn’t murdered anyone this week.
Yet won’t tell the person we live with and lay beside nightly when we are afraid.
Gentlemen, we, I have all got to do so much better. Will cruising/public sex ever go away or stop, who knows?
Can we make decisions that are truly risky and could possibly change the course of our lives and the context of our relationships?