The Summer of 2002 proved hot, steamy and highly productive.
I was 34 and thought my life couldn’t get any better. It is amazing the things we either let ourselves believe or create in an effort to hold onto joy and constant good feelings. I was very happily married. Had learned to cook and was running a household with a man I thought I was going to spend eternity with (see until the end of time).
If someone had told me, you will hate this man and rue the day you ever met online and found him, I woulda socked ‘em right in the eye.
I want to call attention to what happens as we age and realize things have changed. If you have ever looked around your life and said either silently or aloud, “my god how in the fuck did I end up here ?” This post is for you. If you have ever done everything you knew how and the shit still blew up in your mug, I feel you.
This piece is for you.
I chose to call it the “death of childhood” because there is something very sad when you have your hopes bashed against cold, unforgiving cement.
There is something very dark, painful and unforgiven about having to watch a child be disappointed or willingly skip into the lion’s den and you, the viewer, know he’s gonna be somebody’s lunch.
I want to shed light on the point at which things suddenly and inexplicably change and all you can do is cry, scream, beg for mercy and hope for a quick painless death. Things do get better. I will stop here before I trot out the platitudes that even I am not interested in hearing.
I never thought I’d have a long term relationship.
Having weathered so many disasters in my 20’s, I thought, why bother ? Even with the knowledge shared with me by concerned friends, I continued to find myself deeply disillusioned and in constant pain. If I had heard or currently hear one more version of, “you’ve got to start by loving you,” I will set myself on fire then puke and not in any particular order.
The point remains you can have all the self love in the world and do all of the right picking in the world but if the person you’re seeing doesn’t see you or you don’t see them what good will self love do ?
Self love is valuable. It is always valuable .
However, the feel good optimist fail to recognize that picking is half the equation and is not the finality for this solution. Things change and die. Where is all the cheery help then ? Who is the poster child for, I’ve built my life on something (a relationship) that failed.
If after having done the work and the person you care for very deeply says: I’m not interested in being with you. Then what do you do ?