How Afterbirthers will end my Unemployment

By | July 19, 2011

Although I have been unemployed for two years, I finally figured out what I was doing wrong.

Whenever I have been called in to interview, I have consistently and absentmindedly neglected to bring along my fetal membranes and god only knows where I left my mucous cap and crowning photos.

Apparently, this is the new requirement for being taken seriously in this country. If you still doubt me have a look at this quote from The Onion (the only responsible news source out there):

“All we are asking is that the president produce a sample of his fetal membranes and vessels–preferably along with a photo of the crowning and delivery–and this will all be over, said former presidential candidate and Afterbirthers spokesman Alan Keyes, later adding that his organization would be willing to settle for a half-liter of maternal cord plasma.”

Afterbirthers have decided that the only way to fully discredit President Obama is to prove that he doesn’t belong.

What’s next?

A seance, reading of the bones, a visit from relatives who are unable to “cross over” until it is proven that our President is human and born in the US?

I don’t mind stupidity. In fact, why not spread it around. Let’s go to all the politicians and policy-makers and the ones who cut school funding, HIV, and cancer research and ask them to verify their humanity.

Why don’t we trot down to Wall Street and ask the ones who take all the money and then say we don’t know where it is then skip off with fat bonuses if they have seen a mucous cap recently and if they haven’t discredit them and hand them a pink slip.

As a nation that prides itself on being about individual happiness and equal access to material and social goods, we should be outraged and demand that this nonsense be stopped immediately.

Where is the marching in the streets? Where is the boycotting and demanding of public and private amends?

Mr. Keyes, a spokesman for this wonderful thought-provoking and life-enhancing position, has offered us some kindness. Personally, I think Mr. Keyes is just sore over not getting to be President.

This is how you plan to sweep the election in 2012? Please tell me this is not your victory strategy? Please tell me this is not your Plan B?

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