During the last fifteen years, I’ve chosen to confront and manage not only my wants but the wanting of those around me.
At fifty, I still have a fair amount of wants and remain super clear as to how to manage them.
I don’t want to become insane about them nor allow them to rule my life in ways that do harm to myself or others.
At fifty, I’m also beginning to see the connection between wanting and forgiveness.
Forgiveness is giving up the wanting of things in the past.
As someone whose been assaulted by partners, it is up to me to forgive myself for not walking away when the first bit of crazy showed up.
It is also important to avoid rehearsing or rewriting what happened.
My “wanting” to go back and defend/protect the teenager and the 20 something may never go away.
This doesn’t mean I pretend it didn’t happen or obsess about it so that every one else gets to pay for our sins.
It means my wanting can be transformed into self care and compassion for others who place their dreams and well being in the hands of those with no kind of “act right”.
We all wish things could be different and hope that they will be.
Part of aging is knowing which wants to encourage and which ones to let go of.
Aging gives us the wisdom to know whether what we want is A) Good for us: B) Something we should actively pursue or C) Something that looks good to us but ain’t good for us.
This is a lesson and some knowledge that only emerges after you’ve spent some time chasing after and lusting after things that may or may not be in your best interest.