Soulmates and other lies

By | April 25, 2011

I have a wonderful friend who is constantly getting dumped because the women he goes out with don’t feel that special spark.

He is straight.

I have another friend who dumps people after dating less than two weeks because he doesn’t feel that “spark”.

He is gay.

It makes no difference. None of us understand what is required to make relationships last and work. I am often baffled by the concept of sparks and chemistry. Sparks are based on feelings. Feelings constantly change.

If things are constantly changing how in he world can you base a decision on them?

Watch a young child in the course of a day. He will cry, fret, hate everybody, frustrate himself and you, tantrum and laugh uncontrollably. This can and does occur within the space of one or possibly two hours. Which emotion is real ?

All of them.

Which one at any given moment do we decide is how this kid really feels about us and the world. None of them and all of them.

Like so many adults, if you give children what they want they love you to pieces and shower you with hugs, kisses and kind words. Like so many adults, if you refuse them, say no, these same little cherubs can quickly become hell spawn grumbling and plotting your death.

Which set of emotions do we listen to and how do we determine what is real or not ? Hopefully, we are doing some serious thinking and can be available to the fact that the only thing that has changed is our response to their request.

Yet, like the aforementioned friends, we want to base our most precious relationships on how we feel and how the other person “makes” us feel.

This is grown up love ?

When my friend recounted his tales of woe regarding women and the spark, I said maybe you should try dating adult females. My other friend would do well to let something get to the one month mark before deciding to pull the plug.

What is going on here ?

Real ,close relationships take time and a lot of energy over an extended period of time. One date is not indicative of a future together or the rationale that this will never work.

Whenever I hear a man mention anything about a click, spark or soul mate, I want to set myself on fire and run screaming out of the room.

All of this nonsense is brought to us by movies and tv.

When I have met people that just set me on fire upon our initial meeting , it absolutely ended in disaster. Having one cup of coffee and a two hour conversation is not nearly enough info to make a decision.

What is the rush ?

I don’t believe in these hard core dumb ass rules: don’t call too soon, wait three days, let them call you..What is this a battle strategy or an opportunity to get to know another human being ?

Save all the strategic maneuvering and plotting for scrabble or a heated game of chess.

Do not make a decision thirty seconds in then reach for the panic button. In contrast, the relationship that lasted the longest (eight years) was one where the attraction grew slowly and steadily.

It grew based on conversations and letters.

It was long distance with me never physically seeing him until Thanksgiving 1999. Even when he tried to persuade me to share photos, I refused.

I stated that I felt like I was having a very rich experience and was not willing to let my eyes and mind deceive me.

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