As you age and try to put together your next steps, it becomes easy to feel disappointed , less than and begin comparing yourself to others.
In my personal life, I am now seeing friends, colleagues and ex-classmates surpass me in their career and social visibility.
While the adult, grown up mind in me says of course this makes sense, they continued and you bought a house and got roped into a 9-5 gig.
The immature, bratty part says loud and clear- Fuck that!
It’s too late and OMG did I just waste half of my life chasing something that could have been?
With all of the self doubt in my head, I did have a major epiphany last week.
I didn’t get roped into doing any of this.
Why did I chose door number two instead of door number three?
Basically, my miscalculations were based on emotions as opposed to experience.
When ever I have made a decision based on wanting to have a certain experience, it has worked out wonderfully.
When I’ve made a decision solely based on emotion, things have gone South rather quickly.
For instance, my decision to move to both California and NYC were both experiences that I wanted to have.
But if we look a bit closer, the NYC move had just enough emotion behind it so that not one but all of my decisions were emotionally based.
Many of the ways I created art and developed my artistry while in NYC was based on pure emotions.
During my time on the East Coast, there was a great deal of time spent repeatedly proving that it was ok for me to claim artistry and have a place at the table(emotional).
There was also way too much time spent proving to my family (and my parents in particular) that I’d made the right choice (emotional).
I spent 13 years chasing something that may have started out as mine but gradually and undeniable became someone else’s version of what I should be doing.
Its difficult to admit it now and yet it seems quite obvious.
Apparently, the 27 year old version of me failed to develop the insight and character that would have saved me a shitload of money and allowed me to do some different kind of thinking.
When all of your action/planning and reasoning is based on I’ll show ’em, you will never have enough or be enough.
Sadly, that was a hole that I didn’t know I had much less was fighting to fill.
When you are unaware of deep seated emotional needs and feelings of personal inadequacies you end up mistreating yourself and using others.
What if I had been wise enough to say : Ok, I’m here now let’s plot a course that involves supporting myself and not doing all kinds of degrading shit to be accepted and in the room?