Although the previously mentioned tips will dramatically improve your relationship and improve daily interactions with your sweetie,”putting his needs on par with your own ” is by far the best thing you could ever do.
There is no way that two people can build a relationship of any depth and always agree on everything.
I always find it interesting when people say “we never fight ” or “we always fight”. Fighting with someone you truly care for often falls into the category of someone’s needs being denied or dismissed. Ouch. This is not a fun place to be whether you are being dismissed or being the one who is doing the dismissing.
How do you make the other’s needs as important as your own ?
Here it is. The big secret. The big reveal. You ask.
Often times after a vigorous night of intellectual banter (bickering like children who are vying to get to be the big bad on the school yard), I figured out that the disagreement was simply because we didn’t have the same needs or expectations regarding a situation that we were both involved in.
If my man thinks an evening of relaxation involves a cocktail at the local watering hole and I think it involves a vigorous evening of watching Buffy or the Golden Girls, we might have a problem.
Is there a way to do both ? Is each valid ? Do we need to do only one of these activities ?
Personally, I think Buffy solves all problems and this is a place I am learning to rethink (sort of). What matters is that each person states what they require (what is personally important). Warning ! Clearly stating a need does not mean that it will be heard and or immediately met.
However, one way to guarantee that a need is never met is to keep it to yourself and hope you have partnered with a mind reader.
Somebody recently asked me what they could do to combat their homophobia and fear in regards to trying to become emotionally closer to me. I clearly stated : you will need a set of resources that you don’t currently have and then directed them to a reliable source.
Whether or not they seek out and utilize this potent set of new resources is not only beyond my control but it is also none of my business.
If a relationship with me is what they want, they will take advantage of the resources. Period. No two people come into a relationship with the same set of needs. We all have the same set of basic needs : to love and be loved in return, to be seen , to be heard, to be appreciated.
We all have different ways of getting those needs met.
As humans we are taught early and often the ways we are “allowed” to get our needs (physical, emotional, sexual) met. We often come into adulthood not understanding the limited ways we have been schooled regarding which needs are ok to have and which ones you’d better damn well keep to yourself.
This leads to a great deal of jockeying as to whose needs get met and given time and who has to “suck it up” and get on with it the best they can. Constantly not understanding the demands of love , we construct patterns that seduce us into believing that our needs are ours to handle and that our partners exist to meet them regardless of how ridiculous or constantly changing they are.
This is a set up and keeps the other in a state of emotional ransom.
Instead, we can choose to obliterate the pattern, silence the familiar and risk it all by saying :let’s have the space where needs are examined and discussed.
In order to create true intimacy, which leads to “better monogamous sex”, we have to be able to have and state what our needs are and have our beloved reply : your needs are as important as mine.