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Three Things That Gay Men Should Give Up

Whether it is big or small screen,gay men are everywhere.

We are often served images that reinscribe stereotypes: the raving queen, the hard core -rough trade -nobody knows I'm gay, the "I will fuck anything" and have no moral center gay, and finally, the culture expert/innovator who entertains.

It is time we reclaimed our brilliance,creativity,power and yes "ovahness".

Reclaiming the aforementioned without asking for permission and an obsessive focus on white supremacy would also be a wonderful addition.

I know three things that if given up will make our lives suck less: a severe lack of attention paid to mental health; an over dependency on drugs and alcohol; and not handling our finances.

Some years ago, I wrote about cruising and the deeper implications it exhibits regarding issues of mental health, loneliness and shame.

Many people chose to share comments that labeled me prudish, judgmental and self righteous(despite my sharing that this world had seduced me on more than one occasion).

As with any group that has been shamed for who we are and what we do, it was easier to attack me and my suggestions than it was to have an honest look at what I'd drawn attention to (death, STD infection and incarceration and being labeled a sex addict which would prevent and inhibit employment and livelihood and the fear that keeps many of us from building a well thought out deeply intimate relationship with another man).

Delusion and denial are the roots of serious mental health issues.

These issues create individuals who will use and manipulate others to meet their own needs.

As I mentioned in my post, cruising was not fun or fulfilling. It always left me hungering for real connection. It fed the loneliness monster and provided entertainment.

People are not entertainment.

When our mental issues are ignored, we feel the need to dominate others by creating oversized personas and bitchiness masquerading as bravado designed to hide low self esteem, shame and feelings of "not enough".

Competing for scraps left by Supremacist culture, we are often nasty and biting to other gay men when it would be just as easy to offer support, understanding and solidarity.

If you are a sociopath with a large ego,insightful suggestions as to how you can make better and more productive life choices are perceived as threats. As a result, you must obliterate all attempts directing you to more favorable solutions.

I have known gay men who pitifully try to seduce straight men then terrorize everyone in their social circles when their ridiculous and pointless plans are thwarted.

Are we so filled with self hate that we must endure misery and angst to give ourselves something to do?

Making mental health as important as being fabulous and over-the-top would change an entire culture and have severe repercussions for the larger (straight) community.

Gay folks can then come to the table and demand change from a place of "enoughness".

Along with attacking things that attack us and claim our minds, we must let go of our fascination and dependency on drugs and alcohol.

Regardless of weed's (non harming properties) and alcohol's benign affects, the folks I know who partake are not indulging periodically.

A celebratory drink to honor an achievement is one thing. Needing a drink daily or a toke on the regular is something else.

I used to have an alcoholic friend whose witty retort about his daily cocktail was an insightful : I'm not an alcoholic; Alcoholics go to meetings.

While we all had a good chuckle at this brilliant and ascerbic comeback (which is what you do at 23), the constant and daily imbibing told a different story.

All of the folks I know who do drugs constantly make awful life choices: quitting jobs for no reasons with no plans or financial safety net, dating all the wrong people and a general lack luster existence replete with no goals or long term desires.

I know folks who defend their drug use and will argue with anyone that suggests they let it go.

There might be something to look at when you fight or attempt to legitimize your choices.

How do you feel about not doing it ?

What comes up when the thought of saying no is presented.

I take pride in saying no and feel great about it.

If gay men really want to thrive and share our brilliance with the world, it is imperative that we handle our coins.

I know of no other group that has the earning potential of gay men.

I also know no other group that makes such ridiculous, short term decisions.

If kids and all that comes with that is not a part of your future, does this give you the right to screw up piles of money?

Some years back, I wrote a post that highlighted gays men refusal to grow up and Capitalism's reliance on this refusal as a money making machine.

When you don't feel great about yourself, you are ripe for pimping and being used.

Gay male culture,regardless of what progressives and liberals tell us about working class and poor gays, has access to a plethora of resources.

I have been a poor gay.

It is not fun being broke all the time and at the mercy of (so -called)friends and their constantly shifting compassion levels.

Gay men who want to "own" their lives must get clear about their money, what it's doing and the power it wields.

I'm often amazed that gay men in their 50's are no further ahead than gay men in their 20's when it comes to financial planning and money management.

Social Security is on its way out regardless of what our elected officials tell us.

Gay brothers no one is coming to save us.

I recently created a financial power of attorney and a medical equivalent should my health deteriorate.

I have also started creating a living revocable trust along with a will and a way to protect my home despite which one of us goes first.

Many people think death preparation sounds morbid.

Most folks think that if they don't discuss death it will kindly skip over them.

While that might work in fairy tales and t.v.shows, in real life we are all gonna check out at some point.

No One's Coming !

We have to figure this shit out and become responsible for living well and protecting those we love.

Have the uncomfortable conversations.

Make this the year you handle the present and the future.

Take full control of your life by also taking full control of your mental health, dependency on substances and finances.

There are people depending on you.

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Why We Should Choose “Grown Up Love”

Most of us are raised by people who know nothing about love.

Many of us confuse love with care( and then wonder why we are so confused, angry and carry a world of hurt inside our hearts.

It is not p.c. to say you don't love your children or for them to say they didn't or don't love you.

If what you long for is a real relationship saying there was care and never love would be a great start.

A while back my husband and I were discussing our upbringing.

I shared the theory that a great deal of what I and most people consider love screws us up in our adult relationships (intimate and platonic).

I pointed out that in therapy, conversations with close friends and another form of healthy thinking, R.C., I began considering that maybe I wasn't loved.

For many years, I bought into the philosophy that those that said they loved me (no matter how manipulative and cruel they were) simply needed forgiveness and understanding.

Most of us don't want to examine or question our upbringing from the standpoint that maybe you weren't wanted or loved.

Being told I should be like other boys; shooting down my dream of being a dancer burning up Studio 54 (once Saturday Night Fever went to series), imitating Eartha Kitt and wanting to be a writer, allowed me to see that humiliation and cruelty have no place in a relationship that calls itself love.

Perhaps you were that rare child with rare parents and adults who were able to meet your needs in healthy, non-manipulative ways.

Most of us did not have that experience as a result of the adults around us never examining their needs because we are all taught not to have any beyond the age of four.

To be an adult committed to mental health, we must face what scares us.

We are told that forgiving the unforgivable and being upset with those that have hurt us (which is a natural response to repeatedly inflicted pain)is something that keeps us stuck and unable to own and direct our lives.

While many people believe that understanding and the intellectual self explanations that accompany the aging process allows us to hold on to ourselves, I disagree.

As I aged, came out, created art and moved into and out of relationships and all over the country, the same (two)life lessons continued to reappear. First, I knew very little about love and the second thing was that the denial of any and all feelings was unhealthy and a recipe for disaster.

I have learned to be around family and anyone else who professes love and then offers up very unloving ways of interacting with me, in a very limited and guarded capacity.

I have learned to trust and watch behavior.

While this had not always felt good or comfortable, it has kept me out of all sorts of schizophrenia and ridiculousness.

Some people are evil, stupid, and are in now way interested in being shown kindness or "taught" how to treat anyone.

Hollywood has pimped us out by creating fantasy and unrealistic images of love and interaction.

Fairy tales explain things that confuse us and offer distractions for things that cause pain.

As adults who want "true love", we must give up fairy tales and start asking real questions:

Have I ever been loved well?

How did I know?

Have I done grown up work that will allow me to love another without manipulation, coercion or domination ?

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Seven Tips to Make Your Parenting Suck Less

When I began teaching, I wanted six children of my own.

Once I entered the classroom and noticed the pure insanity of the "system", the way children were treated and expected to learn and one awful teacher to many, I rethought my decision.

I assumed that it was the educator's job to educate no matter the obstacle or refusal by a parent,an administrator or god forbid, the student.

There is no way to teach in a risky, transformative way if school is considered a joke by adults who undermine all that committed teachers try to do.

My vision of reform begins with changing the way we parent.

Informed parents can turn things around if their parenting is transformed.

I have come up with seven things that can transform the way we all parent.

These techniques work and can be tweaked and modified accordingly.

1. As a caregiver, address and emotionally handle your personal demons
Seek professional help before having children. Many religious orders suggest six months or more of counseling prior to making a lifelong commitment. Watching children grow and develop, it is easy to see where they get emotionally stuck which is typically where their parents remain stuck. My parents constantly struggled with finances.I have learned many money handling techniques(good and bad) from watching them and listening to their tales of financial "gloom and doom". My parents were and continue to be menaced by the “mean green”. I have had to master a proactive and healthy relationship with this most necessary and productive tool on my own.

2. Stop thinking of your children as property
As a parent, you’ve been entrusted by the universe to guide, mentor and love these young folks not manipulate, dominate and treat them as if they are your personal property to do with what you will. Has anybody ever felt great about being an object? It doesn’t sit well and at some point will lead to a serious rebellion.

3. Stop Policing the Bodies of Young People
As our children grow and change, it is our job to understand and accept that we are now dealing with young people. Most adults never learn to interact or create spaces to be with other adults in the absence of sex and sexuality. As Americans, we both fear and obsess over sex. We learn to dread and attempt to control it. The body politic teaches us that some bodies are better than others. We take this warped thinking into our feeble attempts to raise children who feel good about their bodies. Many adults have never been taught to respect their bodies which in turn means they will not respect the bodies of young people. Bodies of all types frighten us. Bodies take up space and demand to be seen. Many of us fear that those we love and care for will be “seen”. Being seen can get them hurt, abused and exploited. Teaching them how to see themselves is what’s most important. It will not guarantee that your loved ones will not be hurt. It will offer them the tools to make better and wiser decisions regarding their bodies. Many of us learn and experience the brutality and soul crushing that is body policing from our families. As young child , I was often teased and humiliated for not being the physical embodiment of what young males should be and do(participate in competitive sports, in particular,the ridiculousness of football). When that got old, there was always my weight to judge and critique. For many years, I had no understanding of what healthy bodies and weight looked like. My confusion over bodies was complete as I watched my parents struggle with weight and reserve some severe judgments for my sisters. On several occasions there were jokes about what the life of a fat girl would look like. My parents have never addressed their angst and fear of the “body”. I have watched the confusion and cruelty of fathers who have no way of dealing with girls becoming women. It is imperative that we attack the confusion around budding sexuality and not our young people. To prepare for the inevitable, it would be wise for those of us who influence and care for young people to understand and accept a few things: they will change and look to us regarding how to accept and understand their changes; they will be given messages from the media that bodies are for sex and sharing only. It is our job to assist them in developing a critical awareness of their bodies and its limitations. We must teach them that their body belongs to them. We must show them the joy that comes from loving, respecting and listening to their bodies. When my youngest sister was transitioning into womanhood, she was not having my big brotherly let-me-take-care of you hugs. I had to learn (via the insight of a very wise female friend) that she was claiming her space, her body and with it a new level of independence. She was no longer a “kid”. Childhood was now giving way to young adulthood. Rather than demand that she allow me to shame her back into childhood, she swift kicked me into a new realm of our relationship. I relinquished the policing that I had been unaware of and decided to move into a more serious and respectful manner of interaction. When we allow it, our children can parent and guide us. We must allow it and usher in an understanding of the possibility for change and maturity this can allow.

4.Encourage your children to take risks and stop thinking of them as helpless
In the brilliant and paradigm shifting, Weapons of Mass Instruction, John Taylor Gatto states: “Don’t think of them as kids. Childhood exists, but it’s over long before we allow it to be. I’d start to worry if my kid were noticeably childish past the age of seven and if by twelve you aren’t dealing with young men and women anxious to take their turn, disgusted with training wheels on anything, able to walkabout London, do hundred mile bike trips, and add enough value to the neighborhood that they have an independent income, if you don’t see this, you’re doing something seriously wrong.” While this may sound harsh, I concur. I am often shocked at the level of maturity that young people fail to exhibit not to mention the lack of trust they and those that love them fail to provide in their direction. When I was fifteen and sixteen, my parents sent me to a premed program in Atlanta miles away from my Detroit hometown. I was able to take college courses, deal with demanding professors, learn a public transit system and interact with several people I had never met. Years later at 27, I used this skill set and moved to Japan for the summer and worked in an organic tea garden.

5. Teach them to fail early, often and big
We have now moved into an era where failure is not ok. Resiliency is a skill that never gets old and will keep your children from becoming spoiled, violent mass murderers who go completely postal when they hear the word no or things don’t go according to their plans. Learning to bounce back from failure and public humiliation is something that is difficult to watch and yet our global economy demands it. Mistakes are now highly welcomed. We have left factory and group think behind us in favor of reinvention, on-the-spot-solution creating and a constant level of change that has forced us to toss out manuals of what and how to do anything. Mistakes and failures are good experiences and great teachers. Often, we hover like psychotic, over caffeinated vultures wringing our hands waiting for our moment to pounce to make sure no one is upset, disappointed or uncomfortable. Parents that don't suck allow the discomfort of uncertainty and waiting. Win or Lose their loved ones will learn form feedback not from unasked for help or panicked concerns regarding what people will surmise from their parenting skills if their child fails.

6.Stop lying about money
Insist that they know the household income and what they can and cannot afford. If your child is at least six and is asking for money because they understand what it can do (purchase toys, food and things that bring them pleasure), it is time for them to start working and contributing to the household. One of my students started working at six. As a result, when she recently divorced, she had a serious nest egg and was not in a panic regarding her survival. I think getting kids involved in financial matters early and often is a great way to teach financial planning, budgeting and the grave difference between wants and needs. Until I was in my 30’s, I was completely ignorant about how much my parents earned. It has taken me several years to change my financial habits as a result. To be a parent that doesn’t suck, you must have your kids working. I don’t agree with paying for grades. I do agree with performing odd jobs around the house and earning their keep. Teaching them to bask in a job well done is a lesson that will allow them to self assess and self correct. I’ve met 20-year-olds who have never worked. It is time to get our young people to work and assist them in the building of self esteem that this will engender. Salt mines and shucking oysters may not be available but everyone I know who started working early (pre-teen years) is a money genius. They understand and dictate to their money; it does not dictate to them. So the next time one of your bundles of joy approaches you with an open palm and a set of sad, puppy dog eyes, do yourself a favor and shove a want ad into those paws and redirect him to craigslist and a job board.

7.Don't treat them as friends
Our job is not to pal around with them. They will make mistakes. It is our job to assist them when and if they need it and only if they have exhausted every other option. Mom and Dad or grampa and grampa should not be the first and only solution when things begin going South. Ask questions and offer insight not swoop in with one hundred solutions and reasons why he/she is going about it all wrong. There is no substitute for allowing a young person you love figure crap out. They never forget two things (a) they solved a problem and (b) you let them. We may know certain things as a result of having lived longer. Friends don't let friends make dumb mistakes and yet ridiculous mistakes that provide scrapped, bloody knees and simple cause-effect results teach young people life long lessons.

Although I have taught and loved children now for a decade writing this piece is still difficult.

Whenever I write about children and what they need, I run the risk of being shut down by well meaning parents.

I have taught in schools, lived through the disaster that was 70’s and eighties parenting skills, tutored and watched hideous train wrecks that could have been avoided with some commitment to change and the patience and intelligence to rethink children and their needs.

Great, productive adults don’t just appear.

Great, productive, brave and independent children aren’t just plopped out of a box.

My child rearing influences include resources as wide as Joss Whedon, Roseanne, Brene Brown, bell hooks, Alice Miller, John Taylor Gatto and Seth Godin.

I am co-raising nine grandchildren and not one technique works for them all all the time.

I am constantly adjusting, reinventing and relaunching.

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