What porn can teach us

By | July 8, 2012

Porn is so satisfying for so many of us because we know from the moment we hit send, download that clip or pop in that dvd, what will happen.

Someone will get fucked.

Everyone will have a mind exploding, life changing, money shot. In real life, nobody is always ready and available for sex.

Sometimes, conversation is what is most needed.

Sometimes, after a day at the office with a bunch of assholes, the last thing anybody wants to do is have a good ol’ fashioned roll in the hay.

Our fascination with porn can be traced to our desire for predictability with as little thought and effort as humanly possible.

Having moved beyond the fascination that is watching two or ten guys getting it on, I keenly understand the need for familiarity, predictability and the satisfaction that is generated via the push of a button.

How can we take the obsession with visual stimuli, the desire to predict satisfactory outcomes and the loneliness this creates and construct fantastic lives wherein we know the outcomes because we understand the need to have certain variables in place ?

When we look at what entertains and informs our decision making process, we are able to not stay locked in fantasy mode but instead recognize our needs and then replace them by honestly looking at the reality that while porn can be entertaining and full of fantasy and devil-may-care- attitudes, it is not a substitute for real human interaction and relationships.

When I was drawn to this world, it was for the aforementioned reasons.

As a young queer, I found that there was a world that I assumed I had discovered.

As I aged ( a terrible fate in the gay community), I systematically realized that while viewing porn was entertaining and increasingly less stimulating, I still had not come any closer to creating the relationships I desperately craved. As much as I hate the term, what would be the ultimate in “hotness” would be two guys who were in a relationship and only required each other to feel like getting it on.

What if the porn masters developed a series where men go together because they were so drawn to each other’s intellect/kindness/generosity that this is what they used to “get off”.

Recently, Long Beach GLBTQ residents celebrated Gay Pride with all of the pageantry and over the top nonsense that this entails.

While I saw several ads and marketing materials that showcased young, beautiful hard bodies to satisfy the pornographic gaze we’ve been instructed/schooled to fall in love with /fall over ourselves to consume, I never saw one ad whose focus was on self love, increasing personal self esteem or building healthy relationships.

That doesn’t sell magazines.

It fails to titillate.

It lacks the heart pounding excitement that anonymity provides but we can all change.

Desire is learned and not static or unchanging.

I also understand that I can’t create a relationship if my porn-stimulated desires are not examined and put into proper perspective. During a particular dark time when I teetered at the edge of sexual compulsion, my constant need for male “company” did nothing to make me feel better emotionally nor eliminate my loneliness.

All of the hot action that I’d witnessed on screens failed to truly satisfy.

At this point , I realized more fully than ever that I had been sold a pack of lies that mere sexual excitement was not this huge panacea that would provide emotional fulfillment and an extended source of satisfaction.

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