3 things that screw up black and white gay male relationships Part 3: Isolation

By | September 16, 2012

Many gay male sexual relationships begin in less than ideal settings and situations.

Tea rooms, bars, sex clubs and adult bookstores have all been places where men have gone to fuck simply because they were bored, lonely or horny. While many interactions take place and often times lead to relationships, much of the shame based and pathological mentality remains even after circumstances and context change.

This leads us to the third way black and white gay males screw up their relationships.


Although many of our communities are small and incestuous, there are those who move beyond the free sex mentality and form lasting, mature bonds with men once our carnal and loneliness needs are met.

Many gay men (myself included) find it extremely easy to isolate. Having survived much bullying and torture from family members, class mates and society, we learn early on that people mean trouble and drama.

That it is easier and safer to be alone.

While it is healthy and wise to cherish and protect your relationship regardless of its history or length, it is unwise to go underground with it in ways that leave you with an us-versus-them mentality. With community support(which includes good friends who call you on your shit and have no hidden agendas) the relationship is developed with new thinking that is not marred in his “cuteness” or your tendency to be selfish.

Many black folk I know love sharing this statement: I don’t want folk all up in my business.

While this statement is somewhat admirable, it also leads us to not having support of community and friends who can instantly point out the era in our thinking and ways that we might be able to do some things differently. I am not suggesting that we share every intimate detail with all of our friends and with every person we have ever met (see the pointlessness of confessional sharing versus emotional honesty from Part 2).

I am encouraging us be so powerful, emotionally honest and present that we share love and commitment with the world on our own terms.

By refusing to isolate, we force the world to recognize our commitment and allow ourselves major visibility.

Being visible does not allow for constant and unregulated interaction and acceptance of any and all types of nonsense in our homes or social gatherings.

It does mean that we responsibly and consciously choose when and how we isolate.

It means we isolate as a way to connect with each other not disconnect and run away from the world. Designating uninterrupted time with our mate is one thing.

Fearfully locking ourselves away because neither party trusts the other or has faith that people will stay out of their business (try to cause drama or fuck around ) is very different set of reasons for isolating.

What are favorite ways to isolate ?

How often do you and your partner isolate ?

When the two of you lock yourselves away do you emerge closer, more intimate and clear about your goals, desires and dreams ?

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