How to find “true love” despite your personality

By | October 5, 2011

As human beings, we do a whole lot of dumb things.

No place are we more moronic and self-defeating than in relationships. In Buddhism we call it Karma, in the wonderful grassroots organization , RC, it is called patterns and in the wonderful world of ISA, it is referred to as your “it”. Whatever you want to name it, it basically boils down to whatever your sucky personality is.

As young children,we are astute and quickly learn how to survive and manipulate.

We surmise early and often that the people raising us are nuts and probably shouldn’t behave the way that they do. In fact,we are often punished for acting the way they do (lying, speaking up, etc.). Growing up in this odd environment with a bevy of unhinged individuals, we master a set of coping skills that allow us to lay low in the cut until we can make a hasty getaway.

For example,if you have ever run across someone who is just a complete pain-in-the-ass, this is how they survived childhood.

If you have a friend who is more than accommodating and willing to negotiate his or her very existence, this is how they have survived childhood. However you managed to live to fight another day is a series of traits you have taken on and honed thorugh the years.

This is now your personality.

And it probably sucks. With much love , I want to point out that it sucks not because you are a bad person but that it sucks because it severely limits what your life can become and what you are able to do in the world. In a more defined manner, it (personality) extraordinarily limits the type of love you will allow and accept into your life.

So much of what we take on as young people trying to survive among the wolves and odd people around us gets in our way when we decide we want a healthy grown-up loving relationship.

Many of my adult years have been spent as a single man.

I have witnessed first hand the treachery and deceit that makes up so much of what we as gay men refer to as a relationship. After witnessing some of the awful things that people not only did to one another but the things that people allowed to be done and forgiven, I was more than a little reluctant to enter into any type of close intimate relationship.

My thinking became : when is this douche bag gonna try and pull a fast one ?

I had a friend who was crazy for a new guy. The new guy thought it was a great idea to let the x move back in and be nursed back to health by himself and my friend. I was speachless and since I believe my friends business is also my business, I spoke up.

I added this bit of ridiculousness to my arsenal and resolved to not be put in certain situations.

This would be fine as long as I was put in a similar set of circumstances. When a new of circumstances presented itself, I often reacted as if this was the original bit of foolishness. This can and has limited how and whom I am able to love.

My personality bag ‘o’ tricks begin to consists of a whole lot of men are scum, not to be trusted and the always limiting and powerful you’re a man, of course you’re gonna fuck up. While this way of thinking and acting kept me safe, it also kept me alone. Realistically, there are men who lie and cheat and realistically there are those who don’t.

The trick is not to distrust everyone.

Guilty until proven innocent and loathsome.

Instead, a better time expenditure might be learning to trust ourselves. When I looked at my personality and found places where I gave up control and hoped for the best , I was able to say no; I think I could go about this differently.

I learned to trust myself and my relationships drastically improved.

My personality (how I learned to survive by being distrustful if someone said they “cared” about me) got an overhaul. I understood that while it provided some safety and did its job(kept me alive) it was no no longer needed and getting in the way of what I really wanted.

What I wanted is the same thing I’ve always wanted. True love.

Personalities get in the way of that. The next time you get ready to speak to someone you care for and you want that person to stick around ask if what you are about to say is your personality speaking.

Does your personality allow you to be safe and smug and alone ?

Does your personality allow you to stay open to other points of view ?

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